About once a week I hear the same question from a reader, “What keeps you going?” The short answer is lots of things. I use a variety of tools to persevere through my struggle with depression because what works on one day doesn’t the next. I have to break some hours into 15-minute intervals and simply put one foot in front of another, doing the thing that is right in front of me and nothing else.
I write this post for the person who is experiencing debilitating symptoms of depression. The following are some things that help me fight for sanity and keep me going, when the gravity of my mood disorder threatens to stop all forward movement.
1. Find a good doctor and therapist.
I have tried to beat my depression without the help of mental health professionals and discovered just how life-threatening the illness can be. Not only do you need to get help, you need to get the RIGHT help.
A reporter once referred to me as the Goldilocks of Depression because I have tried so many psychiatrists. Call me picky, but I am glad I didn’t stop my search after the third or fourth or fifth physician because I did not get better until I found the right one at Johns Hopkins Mood Disorders Center. If you have a severe, complicated mood disorder, it is worth going to a teaching hospital to get a consultation.
Be just as choosy with your therapist. I have sat on many therapy couches on and off for 30 years, and while the cognitive behavioral exercises were helpful, there have only been two therapists that have facilitated real progress.
2. Rely on your faith — or some higher power.
When everything else has failed, my faith sustains me. In my hours of desperation, I will read from the Book of Psalms, listen to inspirational music, or simply yell at God. I look to the saints for courage and resolve since many of them have experienced dark nights of the soul — Teresa of Avila, John of the Cross, Mother Teresa. It is of great consolation to know that God knows each hair on my head and loves me unconditionally despite my imperfections, that He is with me in my anguish and confusion.
A substantial amount of research points to the benefits of faith to mitigate symptoms of depression. In a 2013 study, for example, researchers at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts, found that belief in God was associated with better treatment outcomes.
3. Be kind and gentle with yourself.
The stigma attached to depression is still, unfortunately, very thick. Maybe you have one or two people in your life who can offer you the kind of compassion that you deserve. However, until the general public offers persons with mood disorders the same compassion that is conferred on people with breast cancer or any other socially acceptable illness, it is your job to be kind and gentle with yourself. Instead of pushing yourself harder and telling yourself it’s all in your head, you need to speak to yourself as a sensitive, fragile child with a painful wound that is invisible to the world. You need to put your arms around her and love her. Most importantly, you need to believe her suffering and give it validation. In her book Self-Compassion, Kristin Neff, Ph.D., documents some of the research that demonstrates that self-compassion is a powerful way to achieve emotional well-being.
4. Reduce your stress.
You don’t want to give into your depression, I get that. You want to do everything on your to-do list and part of tomorrow’s. But pushing yourself is going to worsen your condition. Saying no to responsibilities because your symptoms are flaring up isn’t a defeat. It is act of empowerment.
Stress mucks up all your biological systems, from your thyroid to your digestive tract, making you more vulnerable to mood swings. Rat studies show that stress reduces the brain’s ability to keep itself healthy. In particular, the hippocampus shrinks, impacting short-term memory and learning abilities. Try your best to minimize stress with deep-breathing exercises, muscle-relaxation meditations, and simply saying no to anything you don’t absolutely have to do.
5. Get regular sleep.
Businessman and author E. Joseph Cossman once said, “The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night’s sleep.” It is one of the most critical pieces to emotional resiliency. Practicing good sleep hygiene — going to bed at the same time at night and waking up at a regular hour — can be challenging for persons with depression because, according to J. Raymond DePaulo, Jr., M.D., co-director of the Johns Hopkins Mood Disorders Center, that’s when people often feel better. They want to stay up and write or listen to music or work. Do that too many nights, and your lack of sleep becomes the Brussels sprout on the floor of the produce aisle that you trip over. Before you know it, you’re on your back, incapable of doing much of anything.
Although pleasing our circadian rhythm — our body’s internal clock — can feel really boring, remember that consistent, regular sleep is one of the strongest allies in the fight against depression.
6. Serve others.
Five years ago, I read Man’s Search for Meaning by Holocaust survivor and Austrian psychiatrist Viktor Frankl and was profoundly moved by his message that suffering has meaning, especially when we can turn our pain into service of others.
Frankl’s “logotherapy” is based on the belief that human nature is motivated by the search for a life purpose. If we devote our time and energy toward finding and pursuing the ultimate meaning of our life, we are able to transcend some of our suffering. It doesn’t mean that we don’t feel it. However, the meaning holds our hurt in a context that gives us peace. His chapters expound on Friedrich Nietzsche’s words, “He who has a why can bear almost any how.” I have found this to be true in my life. When I turn my gaze outward, I see that suffering is universal, and that relieves some of the sting. The seeds of hope and healing are found in the shared experience of pain.
7. Look backwards.
Our perspective is, without doubt, skewed during a depressive episode. We view the world from a dark basement of human emotions, interpreting events through the lens of that experience. We are certain that we have always been depressed and are convinced that our future will be chock full of more misery. By looking backwards, I am reminded that my track record for getting through depressive episodes is 100 percent. Sometimes the symptoms didn’t wane for 18 months or more, but I did eventually make my way into the light. I call to mind all those times I persevered through difficulty and emerged to the other side. Sometimes I’ll take out old photos as proof that I wasn’t always sad and panicked.
Take a moment to recall the moments that you are most proud of, where you triumphed over obstacles. Because you will do it again. And then again.
8. Plan something fun.
Filling my calendar with meaningful events forces me to move forward when I’m stuck in a negative groove. It can be as simple as having coffee with a friend or calling my sister. Maybe it’s signing up for a pottery or cooking class.
If you’re feeling ambitious, plan an adventure that takes you out of your comfort zone. In May, I’m walking Camino de Santiago, or The Way of Saint James, a famous pilgrimage that stretches 778 kilometers from St. Jean Port de Pied in France to Santiago de Compostela in Spain. The anticipation of the trip has fueled me with energy and excitement during a hard stretch of my life.
You need not backpack through Europe, of course, to keep moving forward. Organizing a day trip to a museum or some local art exhibit could serve the same purpose. Just be sure to have something on your calendar other than therapy and work meetings.
9. Be in nature.
According to Elaine Aron, Ph.D., in her bestseller The Highly Sensitive Person, approximately 15 to 20 percent of the population is easily overwhelmed by loud noises, crowds, smells, bright lights, and other stimulation. These types have rich interior lives, but tend to feel things very deeply and absorb people’s emotions. Many people who struggle with chronic depression are highly sensitive. They need a pacifier. Nature serves that purpose.
The water and woods are mine. When I get overstimulated by this Chuck E. Cheese world of ours, I retreat to either the creek down the street or the hiking trail a few miles away. Among the gentle waves of the water or the strong oak trees in the woods, I touch ground and access a stillness that is needed to navigate difficult emotions. Even a few minutes a day provide a sense of calm that helps me to harness panic and depression when they arise.
10. Connect with other warriors.
Rarely can a person battle chronic depression on her own. She needs a tribe of fellow warriors on the frontline of sanity, remembering her that she is not alone and equipping her with insights with which to persevere.
Five years ago, I felt very discouraged by the lack of understanding and compassion associated with depression so I created two forums: Group Beyond Blue on Facebook and Project Hope & Beyond. I have been humbled by the level of intimacy formed between members of the group. There is power in shared experience. There is hope and healing in knowing we are in this together.
You may think there’s nothing funny about your depression or wanting to die. After all, this is a serious, life-threatening condition. However, if you can manage to add a dose of levity to your situation, you’ll find that humor is one of the most powerful tools to fight off hopelessness. G.K. Chesterton once said, “Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.” That’s what laughter does. It lightens the burden of suffering. That’s why nurses use comedy skits in small group sessions in inpatient psychiatric units as part of their healing efforts. Humor forces some much-needed space between you and your pain, providing you a truer perspective of your struggle.
12. Dance in the rain.
Vivian Greene once said, “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
When I was first diagnosed with depression, I was sure that the right medication or supplement or acupuncture session would cure my condition. A few years ago, when nothing seemed to work, I shifted to a philosophy of managing my symptoms versus curing them. Although nothing substantial changed in my recovery, this new attitude made all the difference in the world. I was no longer stuck in the waiting room of my life. I was living to the fullest, as best I could. I was dancing in the rain.
Rosmarin, D.H., Bigda-Peyton, J.S., Kertz, S.J., Smith, N., Rauch, S.L., & Björgvinsson, T. (2013). A test of faith in God and treatment: The relationship of belief in God to psychiatric treatment outcomes. Journal of Affective Disorders, 146(3): 441-446. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S016503271200599X
Hildebrandt, S. (2012, February 6). How stress can cause depression [blog post]. Retrieved from http://sciencenordic.com/how-stress-can-cause-depression
Frankl, V.E. (1959). Man’s Search for Meaning. Cutchogue, NY: Buccaneer Books.
Aron, E. (1996). The Highly Sensitive Person. New York, NY: Carol Publishing.
Published originally on Psych Central.
All great ideas!!! I have been working on TRD 5 years in May. I take it a day at a time.
Thank you for these reminders Therese. It really is about managing it the best you can and living anyway. God bless you for your wonderful encouragement in this post.
Keep going, keep writing. You encourage so many.
As they used to say in my parents’ time, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” Glad you are improving and are helping yourself overcome the negative with an abundance of positive……. You can do it!
Great and encouraging article. Keep writing. You encourage and advocate and educate millions of people. So glad you are part of my life. Your online support groups that I have been a member of for about 5 yrs. Have been truly a life line during my more challenging days. I thank God for you daily. You are a light in so many lives.
I, too, appreciate your encouraging & doable words & tools. Each requires just a little action or more than a little but it’s action that pushes back against that which is de press ing me, us- pressing us down. Pushing back is not easy, especially the first action, conscientiously choosing an act of self care.
Thank you Therese. Your words are so well placed and provide a daily guidence to us all. You are a ture leader and friend to all.
Speaking of number 2 above, I saw this from Bede Jarrett,O.P.: “God allows us suffering because He loves us; we accept suffering because we love Him. Love is the only answer that can be made to suffering; it is the only explanation of suffering…
The idea is based on the fatherhood of God for it supposes that the father only allows such suffering to come to each child as shall be for its own good… It is not, therefore, simply was a punishment that we should look on suffering, for such a view of it will add more troubles than it can answer. Suffering is also the very expression of love; almost the only language that adequately describes its feelings.
Love, then, which can alone explain suffering when it comes, can also alone give us the the strength to accept it joyfully, for life is only tolerable when it is permeated with love. There are hardships for everyone; do what we will we cannot escape them. Yet it is not the troubles of life, but the way we bear them, that makes life tolerable or not. To repine, complain, cry out, does but dig the point-head deeper into the flesh. The monk was contented in his cell, but the prisoner essayed night by night to escape: their conditions were the same, but their hopes and desires were different. The whole secret, then, of life is to adapt our desires to our conditions. Love puts into bondage as many victims as hate; but those whom love’s chains bind are glad of their lot. We are told, indeed, that God punishes with suffering all workers of iniquity; but those also whom God loves He chastens; and for ourselves who try, fitfully indeed yet honestly, to love, we can feel sure that it is only the strength of His embrace that we feel. Love, then, alone will help us to understand life and its sorrows.
Of course, the full realization of this is the attitude of the saints; for them seem to have achieved that same state of soul to which St. Paul confessed that he had reached: ‘For which cause I take pleasure in my infirmities.’…Our Lord found it perfectly compatible to shrink from suffering and yet to be resigned to the will of God, so the combination of union with the Father and anxiety about suffering is not necessarily impossible.
Sorrow, caused by Love and can be made tolerable only by Love. For it is the Crucified who alone explains the Crucifixion.”
Reading these thoughts and experiences are so important to me.
Thank you for your courage to be honest and share your experiences.
Therese, you’re an inspiration to me and many others. As a fellow Catholic
(convert) I have had several doctors who would start jotting down notes if I ever mentioned my thoughts about God (uh oh -she must be going off the deep end again ).
Like you, I also searched for an answer, medication, or a cure or an explanation that would help me to understand how I could continue to be depressed. (25 years)
What I have learned is it’s complicated, and even though there have been so many advances in options for the treatment of depression, it’s still a big stigma and a thorny issue even within one family.
So thanks for shining your unique light and beautifully written thoughts
My mother has depression and anxiety, and I struggle to be in harmony with her. 98% of the time she is complaining, negative, whining, contrary, and just plain difficult. I’m at a loss as to how to deal with this type of person even though she is my mother. I will not walk away from her, so please give me some input as to how to survive this situation. Thank you very much.
I am glad you mentioned that there is a huge stigma about mental illness. Although it may be talked about more openly, the stigma is still there. My GP told me that there was no stigma against mental illness anymore. I wondered what world he lived in. I also worked in the medical field and I heard many, many disparaging remarks made against patients in the Psychiatric ward. These were made by people who supposedly were well informed, well trained professionals. I never thought I would end up on that ward but I did.
My grandkids and the pain I would leave behind, i cant do that, keep me going.
Thank you for the great post. I love the be in nature portion. That is where I find a great deal of peace. I have suffered with anxiety and depression since my teens. Good days and bad days, I do it 3 deep breaths at a time. I know that tomorrow will be a new day and I just keep swimming. I always try to stay positive, eat well, lots of sleep and exercise. I have been able to get off meds completely following a lot of these same things.
Ava I like your advice. Rational and simple. I sometimes think I will never conquer this but it’s been a lifetime thing so why give up now at 57. Thanks
Great advice on depression. I agree with doing your homework on the various therapies available. In my experience, most people who have depression have the core belief “I’m not good enough”.
I think this is why most “talk” therapy doesn’t make lasting change. If people get out of their head/thoughts and work on their deep core beliefs about themselves, by going within in a deep way, true healing can occur.
I have been dealing with this since I was a child. I am working with a professional to let go of my PTSD and panic. I am learning about meditation, deep breathing and working out when I can. My meal plan is also helping. I come from a family with these issues so it is challenging to not be afraid. When I am home, I feel those walls closing in but it is a work in progress.