When You Can’t Get Well: Treatment Resistant Depression and Brain-Imagining Research

Unknown-1Approximately 10 percent of depressed persons are treatment resistant. These folks have not responded to antidepressants or any kind of medication. Their efforts at cognitive-behavioral therapy and other types of therapy have failed. Even sessions of electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) have proven unsuccessful. These people are the sickest of the sick, and spend their days in a kind of living hell which can’t be transformed simply by a new perspective, even as pop psychologists would like to believe.

Sometimes I wonder if I fall into this group. Since I spend my days writing tips for managing depression, I feel as though I should be fully recovered; however, the truth is that I haven’t managed to escape thoughts of death for longer than a few months at a time, even after substantial sessions of cognitive-behavioral therapy and employing other techniques. I live and cope continuously with mental angst—faking my way through the day as a competent worker, mother, and wife. I’m typically convinced I’m on the brink of a nervous breakdown, fragile enough that any unfortunate event might send me to the hospital again. Do other people feel like this? I don’t think so.

That is why I am hopeful when I read about brain-imaging research and the possibilities it presents for treating persons with severe and chronic depression—the kind that doesn’t go away after 10, 20, and 40 years, despite efforts at finding the right medication, therapy, diet, and exercise program. The studies also assure me that my depression isn’t about a rigorous attitude adjustment or a second entry in my gratitude journal. “Imaging research has confirmed that depression is, first and foremost, a brain disease,” writes Helen S. Mayberg, M.D., a renowned neurologist, in the Johns Hopkins Depression & Anxiety Bulletins.

So far pharmacologists and psychiatrists have concerned themselves mostly with the overall chemistry in the brain—the imbalances of neurotransmitters–without looking into the abnormalities in different regions of the brain, and the activities in those problem spots, that may be contributing to intractable depression. Now neurologists like Mayberg are using brain-mapping techniques to discover what occurs inside the brain and how those functions are connected to mood. The brain-imagining technologies have allowed scientists to look at the regional patterns of brain activity and determine how the specific circuits of the brain differ in persons who are depressed versus the “normal,” happy, annoying folks.

Mayberg encourages persons with treatment-resistant depression to believe in the future. She writes:

We are about to start an experiment to determine whether there are subtypes of depression we can identify to help us select optimal treatments. As in cardiology, you shouldn’t have to suffer from chest pain for 10 years before you have a coronary bypass procedure. Psychiatry is now beginning to realize that some people who don’t get better might not be nonresponsive to treatment because of their genes, for example….

This neurological perspective—focusing on specific brain circuits—differs from, but is complementary to, the biochemical approach of drug therapy, which affects the action of cells throughout the entire brain, regardless of what region they are in. A whole new approach for developing targeted treatments is now foreseeable….The goal to develop an imaging-based sets of rules to help determine which patients will respond best to which treatment—a means of optimizing treatment strategies for individuals, helping them to avoid the current trial-and-error approach.

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195 thoughts on “When You Can’t Get Well: Treatment Resistant Depression and Brain-Imagining Research

    1. I agree with April. I have been doing the ” trial and error” approach for 50 years!! I need some small part of the time I have left on this earth to be joyful….just a crumb!

        1. If the combo is working for you now, try not to fall into the trap of wondering how long you will feel better. I know, better said than done. I do it all the time….worrying about the future. I’ve been to residential clinics where they try to teach you mindfulness. Yeah, right. I can very easily “live in the moment”. I told them I’m not a dog, although I wish I was since they live in the moment. But if I found something, anything that would make me feel better, no matter how long, not only would I try to enjoy each moment and try my hardest to be mindful. I hope you are still feeling better. God Bless you.

        2. I hear you and feel you all!!! After 100 tms treatments and 30 or so different meds… a 30 day stay at a hospital..and 14 ect treatments!! Today I am back at crying most of my days. I’m now looking into ketamine infusions! Anything to feel happy again!!!

          1. THIS COMMENT IS FOR THERESE BORCHARD….. IF SHE EVER READS OUR MESSAGES!??!

            THERESE, I JUST NOTICED THAT YOU HAVE BEEN USING MY LAST NAME IN ALL MESSAGES FROM ME OR TO ME.
            I STATED AT THE BEGINNING THAT I DID NOT WANT ANYTHING OTHER THAN MY GIVEN NAME USED …. NOT MY EMAIL, NOT MY COMPLETE NAME, NOTHING!

            HOWEVER, WHEN TRYING TO FINISH ALL OF THE ‘SIGN-UP’ INFO., I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE LAST NAME AREA BLANK…. WHEN I TRIED TO DO IT, YOU REFUSED TO ACCEPT MY INFORMATION; YOU DID NOT ALLOW ME TO SIGN UP FOR THE SITE; AND YOU DID NOT PERMIT ME TO EMAIL THE MEMBERS, OR HAVE ANYTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH YOUR SITE.
            THEREFORE, I WAS MORE OR LESS FORCED TO INCLUDE WHATEVER PERSONAL INFORMATION ABOUT MYSELF THAT YOU DESIRED TO KNOW.

            STILL, THOUGH, I DID NOT THINK YOU WOULD DISPLAY IT SUCH THAT EVERYONE WHO HAPPENED TO DROP BY YOUR AREA WOULD KNOW MY FULL NAME, INTIMATE FACTS ABOUT MY DEPRESSSION, AND ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING ELSE THAT I THOUGHT I WAS WRITING TO ONLY THOSE WHO WERE HERE TO, LIKE MYSELF, TRY TO GET NEW WAYS TO FIGHT THIS ILLNESS, AND SOMEHOW GET BACK A LITTLE OF THE HOPE THAT I HAVE TOTALLY LOST! HAD I NOT BEEN FEELING SO BAD, I WOULD HAVE NOTICED IT RIGHT AWAY….. BUT FEELING AS TERRIBLE AS I’VE FELT THESE LAST 4 YEARS IN PARTICULAR, I FAILED TO NOTICE WHAT YOU WERE DOING.

            BUT SINCE I NOW AM AWARE OF IT, I’D LIKE TO ASK YOU TO TERMINATE INCLUDING ANYTHING ABOUT ME OTHER THAN MY GIVEN NAME. BTW, I SEE THAT YOU HAVE INCLUDED LAST NAMES IN ONLY A VERY FEW MEMBERS CORRESPONDENCE. AND THAT THE MAJORITY ARE GOING BY JUST THE ONE NAME. THIS HARDLY SEEMS FAIR AT ALL!

            THANK YOU, THERESE.
            SHARON

        3. I don’t know if this will ever get published; but I know Sharon, EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE SAYING. I’ve been on too many medications& combinations of meds to count! I’ve had at least 40 ECT treatments in 4 years. I’m elderly and ALONE. I also have serious rheumatoid arthritis. I’m at the point where I’ve about given up. I just tried another new antidepressant that is out. It is not helping; plus it cost $422 for a one month dose. I had to borrow the money to try it!!!
          If someone out there reads this; and knows of anything I can do/,try; please let me know

          1. Debbie, I’m so very sorry! And I know what it means to be alone. I’m with a good man now, but before I met him I was TOTALLY alone for 8 yrs. I was separated, have no children or siblings, and my wonderful parents died. The cousins I thought loved me, broke my heart. I didn’t give myself a chance to meet anyone because it was too much of an effort to try to go anywhere. It was a total accident that I met Bryan…… and the depression didn’t scare him off. But he still isn’t my blood family… and my parents and I were so very close.

            I too suffer with arthritis and back and leg pain due to a freak accident about 20 years ago. Without pain medicine, it’s hard to get out of bed in the morning.
            And I’m not young, either!

            I just finished 5 ketamine, or however it’s spelled, treatments which cost me $2500 and gave me a bit of energy (and I never have any energie at all) But who can pay $1,000 a week for a bit of “half of a get up and go” ?

            Could you tell me the name of the new anti-depressant? I’ll try anything.

            Do you live in a city or a small town? Wish I were in a city, but am in a fairly small Florida town, and I hate hot weather!

            Please don’t give up, Debbie….. there has to be a way for us to know Joy and Enjoy once again!

            Sharon

          2. Debbie—-I know what you are talking about when you have tried so many medications, combinations of medications and ‘treatments’ but still find yourself back in the same crevice of hopelessness and depression. I have experienced many of the discouragements you speak of in your post—-minus the arthritis. I do have pernicious anemia which requires me to inject B-12 for my body to have that particular B vitamin. My body does not absorb any form of B’s, which are the vitamins that can help with mental status and energy. It isn’t my biggest area of sadness, however—-it is as yours’ the continual re-appearance of this depression and that brings, to me, a horrible anxiety. I have been diagnosed with severe PTSD and I find that when I am faced with anything that requires ‘coping skills’—-I just don’t have them. That makes me feel ‘crazy’ and I continually compare myself to those around me, which, in turn, makes me feel totally weird and very isolated even though I have a family. I know that they don’t ‘get it’ and I can irritate them. This disease is isolating unless you can connect with a group where you can meet and talk to others like yourself. I found that in a national group called NAMI (National Association of Mental Illness)——-hate the last two words of the title so I just say “NAMI”. Many cities and communities have Meet-up groups where you can meet and just connect with other people like us. Many of the people who attend can give suggestions like how to get medications somewhat cheaper. I am on a Medicare Drug Plan, now, so I have to pay $100 a month for one of my meds and that is nothing compared to speak of—-which hasn’t helped—-so why pay that. I am 66 and have had ‘issues’ as long as I can remember. Recently, I feel like I have run out of coping with any stress and like I am underwater. I am trying to do ‘something’, ‘anything’ that might make me feel better or just to try to make it through another day. It is horrid, I so agree. I do want to leave this comment with the suggestion of finding a NAMI group near you and going and also to get on a website NIMH—-so much information there. National Institute of Mental Health—-better name, anyway. Just reading about others and having all of this validated has helped me. Praying that you will be lead to a place of feeling better and finding a connection with another, or even, others. Continue, one foot in front of the other, fellow traveler, and know that You Are Very Special ad Unique and have much to offer this world.

          3. Once again, Mary, so many of your words and statements could have come from me —- it seems as if we’re struggling with a very similar depression – the various “attacks” on us personally and on the different areas of our lives…. and the results or ways they have made us feel are nearly identical, too.
            I feel that I’ve now tried just about everything, so I guess I’ll never know “joy” or “freedom of fear” ever again. I know that’s not the right attitude, but when this has taken up so very much of my life, it’s nearly impossible to keep finding hope.
            If I happen to find anything new to try, I’ll certainly let you know…… and I’ll keep you in my prayers, Mary…. and Debbie, too.

            Sharon

          4. THIS MESSAGE IS FOR KADY…
            Kady- I just now, on this main site, saw the messages you wrote to me about a year ago (when you said you were having trouble getting your replies through.) Nothing was ever forwarded to me about them, and I didn’t see them here on the main site until today when I came back here to see if anything new had been written that I didn’t receive notice about.
            I have problems with this site, also, especially when it comes to seeing messages or replies to me promptly – sometimes I never see anything (like today) until I come back here to reread an old post or reply, as I just did.
            I hope things have gotten better for you, Kady…. and please know that I would have responded to you months ago had I known you had written to me.

            DOES ANYONE HAVE A PROBLEM HERE WRITING AND SENDING A POST AT RANDOM? (MEANING THAT IT ISN’T A REPLY TO A MESSAGE SOMEONE SENT TO YOU, BUT JUST SOMETHING YOU DECIDED YOU WANTED TO SAY TO THE GROUP, OR TO SOMEONE IN PARTICULAR.)
            Unless I’m replying to someone, I can’t send a text to another person, or to the group as a whole.
            Maybe it’s this way for everyone….. but it seems like my very first post to this place ages ago was the only one where I could freely write something without having to write it as a ‘reply’ to someone’s message to me, and in the area where it says ‘reply’ and allows you to post from there.

            I’ve also noticed that sometimes after someone posts a message, there is a ‘reply’ marker so that a response can easily be made – but at other times, there is no reply marker, and then I have to hunt for some way to post a message.

            DOES ANYONE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE ORDER IN WHICH THE MESSAGES ARE LISTED OR DISPLAYED TO US HERE ON THE ACTUAL WEBSITE?
            THEY ARE NOT LISTED OR SHOWN IN ANY ORDER IN RELATION TO THE MONTH AND YEAR THEY WERE WRITTEN, OR EVEN JUST BY THE YEAR WRITTEN. (THE DATE OF EACH ONE, OF COURSE, IS AT ITS TOP, BUT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH DISPLAYING THEM IN A WRITTEN ORDER.)

            A POST FROM 2012 MIGHT BE SHOWN RIGHT BEFORE ONE FROM 2016, AND THEN THE POST AFTER THE 2016 ONE MIGHT HAVE A 2014 OR 2012 DATE ON IT.
            FOR EXAMPLE– I COULD BE REREADING A POST WRITTEN IN 2013. THE MESSAGE RIGHT BEFORE IT WAS FROM 2016, AND THE ONE RIGHT AFTER IT WAS FROM 2017.
            WITHOUT DISPLAYING THE POSTS IN THE WRITTEN AND DATED ORDER, IT CAN GET CONFUSING TO FOLLOW ALONG, OR SEE ALL OF THE COMMENTS FOR WHICH THAT ORIGINAL POST WAS THE IMPETUS.

            Maybe I’m too detailed, and it doesn’t really matter to anyone else. If so, sorry for taking up so much space.

      1. Agreed—-this battle seems to continue on year after year. Seemingly, consistent annual bouts of the deeper periods of depression and worsening anxiety. I hope I might see some of these things come about in my lifetime and can only dream that I might find such things available for myself.

      2. I feel the same Judith. I long to wake up in the morning and enjoy a cup of coffee and feel the pleasure of a sunny day. I don’t even cry anymore I am so numb

      3. I hear ya!!! After all this time and failures with medication trials, wouldn’t it be wonderful to have relief. What concerns me most is that after all these yrs it has suddenly plummeted to a degree I didn’t experience before and not sure where it may lead me. An all time low I didn’t know was possible. There’s a string of hope but I literally, for the most part, do not care at all about going through this day after day. My young grandkids the only joy but what happens when they get older and grandma isn’t such a big deal to spend time with. They really are the only people I want to see. Waiting for a new last attempt to find help is not at all what I needed to hear

        1. Cathy, at least you do have grandchildren, and they give you joy and a reason to live. And you might be surprised at how long they’re going to still enjoy and want to be with their beloved grandmother!
          Also, think about those of us who don’t have grandchildren…. or children…. or siblings….. or any family at all. won’t make you feel any better…. but just try to think how difficult it is when there is no family to love, no family to give emotional support, no family at holidays, no sweet children giving hugs and kisses, and no one that you’re sure will be there for you in an emergency or as you get older.
          This last depression “gift”: getting old… and even sicker…. and being alone…. is the most horrible, consuming fear that anyone can imagine. It would be bad enough to be alone, without this killing depression……. but to be alone and also have this major depression is worse than anything I can imagine. And that fear never leaves…. it’s always in your mind and thoughts.
          Try to keep enjoying your family…. and I think those grandkids are always going to want to be with a special grandmother!
          Good LucK to you….

        2. You sound just like me. While it sucks to be this way It’s certainly nice to know that I am not alone and unique. That at least gives me some comfort.

      4. Judith
        Don’t know if you will receive this, but I really understand. Battled severe TRD depression now for 40 of my almost 70 years.

      5. I concur Judith. I have suffered with chronic and double depression since I was 16. I also suffer from auto-immune disease, cancer and socially being isolated. I was also disowned by my “family” at a young age, my mother was riddled with schizophrenia, dementia and Alzheimer’s, while my father never said more than 10 words to me and died at a young age. My life has been absolute hell and a loathe every minute of it. At this point, I would like to move to Belgium where I can be euthanized. Medications, therapy and ECT have all failed. There is no hope. Worst of all, those who say “hang in there” or just “cheer up,” know shit. You have to have this horrid disease to understand it.

      1. Kim, I hope this route is the answer. I haven’t read much about ECT except for the fact that it can mess with short-term memory. I can’t lose any more memory, I have to hang onto what I have. Does it take a series of them before a person feels a difference?

        1. I went through ECT. Messed up my memory terribly. Put holes in a year’s worth of memories, at least. And, in the end, did nothing for my illness. Now, if it had worked, I wouldn’t have minded the memory loss. It would have been worth the cost.

          Now, I just get frustrated thinking about it. Especially those moments when someone says, “Don’t you remember when…?” And I’m left with a big blank.

          1. I so relate to what you are sharing,Ryan and Rob—–I don’t know how long you have dealt with MDD but, at the age of 65, I feel like it has been my entire life, in some form or another. I feel like I have been on so many different combinations of medication, also have been treated with 10 ECT treatments and 2 separate rounds of TMS — and I still find myself sitting here, today, just as depressed as ever and—-possibly because of my age feeling a more intense hopelessness. What things do you ‘all’ do or suggest to make life better? I have been labeled, within my family, as the mentally ill grandma and mom. I know that I have many difficulties in attending some family events and then at others being more quiet because I typically feel like I just don’t fit in. I have been trying to have one spiritual thought a day to help me get from morning to bed. I guess I sound like a nagging complainer and should challenge myself to make entries of successes along with these darker thoughts and feelings—–but, the older I have gotten the harder and harder it seems to get. So grateful to have a place to post—-feelings of isolation make things darker.

      2. Kim, that’s what happened to me with ECT treatment. I had over 30 treatments over a course of several years. I didn’t think I felt better, however my husband said I was acting much better. Maybe I was. Maybe I didn’t give it a chance to work because I dismissed the treatments thinking there’should no way they’ll work. Maybe the ECT treatment doesn’t work just by themselves. In hindsight, maybe I should have had a more positive approach. I’ll never know for sure, unless I decide to have additional treatments. I pray they eventually work for you. I know what you’re going through.

        1. In regard to ECT, I just completed my 102nd treatment over a 2.5-yr period. I also take high-dose medications, have weekly therapy sessions, and do exercise when possible (still only 2 days or so per week). The ECT does help for the first few days but I still have major depressive “crises” each month. I so agree with others that a treatment that allowed me to genuinely smile or actually want to get out of bed would be such a nice break from what feels like a never-ending battle. My heart goes out to everyone who has had to endure this horrific disease.

        2. This comment is not an actual reply to anyone. However, Mary, I’m 2 years older than you, and I’ve given up hope for a cure.
          After searching for help since I was in my 30’s, I realize now that there is going to be no miracle for me… unless God feels that I deserve His healing miracle.
          It’s just so difficult, also, because ‘people’ don’t know what REAL depression is…. they think that feeling depressed is being a little sad, perhaps because they didn’t get a raise, or their boyfriend looked at another woman, or their new house has another 3 month delay….. ETC. THEY DON’T LISTEN WHEN I TRY TO EXPLAIN THAT EVEN IF I HAD ALL THE MONEY, ALL THE LOVE, ALL THE “EVERYTHING” THAT I NEED…. I WOULD STILL FEEL THE SAME: DEPRESSED! WITH THE SAME SADNESS, HOPELESSNESS, FEAR, ANGER, NO CONFIDENCE OR SELF-WORTH, NO JOY, INABILITY TO ENJOY THE THINGS I USED TO LOVE , INABILITY TO GET THINGS DONE, ‘BRAIN’ CONFUSION….. AND JUST TEARS TEARS TEARS EVERY SINGLE DAY… NOT ALL DAY, OF COURSE, BUT USUALLY AT LEAST ONCE OR TWICE EACH DAY. SOMETIMES I HAVE TO BITE MY TONGUE TO KEEP FROM ASKING GOD TO LET THESE PEOPLE REALLY “KNOW” HOW MY TYPE OF DEPRESSION FEELS, SO THAT THEY WILL SHUT UP WITH THEIR IGNORANT COMMENTS ABOUT “YOU JUST HAVE TO *FORCE* YOURSELF TO,,,,,,,,,,,,., and to……………!
          I DO FORCE MYSELF! EVERY DAY! I HAVE TO FORCE MYSELF JUST TO GET OUT OF BED. I FORCE MYSELF TO BRUSH MY TEETH, ETC. …. BECAUSE SOME DAYS DOING THE SIMPLEST THING IS TOO MUCH. I DON’T HAVE A LIFE…. I HAVE AN EXISTENCE ONLY. I SO RESENT IT WHEN SOMEONE SAYS ‘YOU JUST HAVE TO FORCE YOURSELF TO GET OUT… THAT’S WHAT I DO WHEN I’M A LITTLE BLUE, AND THEN I FEEL MUCH BETTER.’

          1. Sharon and others –
            I hear ya! I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t severely depressed. I’ve been given several antidepressants and nothing has worked. As these antidepressants are for serotonin and norepinephrine, I have to wonder if this depression even has to do with neurotransmitter issues! My therapist just does psychotherapy in addition to meds. After 1-1/2 years of this, I told her talking hasn’t solved anything and I need solutions. She accused me of wanting a quick fix. Hello! I’m 63 and have dealt with this issue for I don’t know how long. After this much time, quick does not apply!
            I’m thankful for this site and all of you. I’m not alone in this treatment resistant depression. And yes, friends don’t get it. They say “you just need Zoloft or Paxil or Prozac. It worked for me”. I’m facing the reality that this will be my norm and I’ll have to power through it. Only I’m to tired to have any power to apply. Sounds like it takes enormous will power just to brush our teeth, drag to our jobs, and even drive to the store. Going to work is the worst and I don’t know how my manager isn’t noticing I’m maybe 20% productive at best.

          2. EXACTLY! IF WE HAD CANCER OR A BAD HEART (GOD FORBID), A LEAST A FEW FAMILY MEMBERS OR SO-CALLED FRIENDS WOULD PROBABLY BE MORE SENSITIVE AND UNDERSTANDING….. BUT ANYTHING WHERE A DISEASE OR ILLNESS IS CAUSED BY SOMETHING THAT ISN’T WORKING CORRECTLY IN THE PERSON’S BRAIN…. IS, ALL OF A SUDDEN, SOMETHING STRANGE AND QUESTIONABLE… AND PROBABLY NOT A ‘REAL’ DISEASE, BUT MERELY SOMETHING THAT WE’RE USING AS AN EXCUSE FOR OUR INABLILITY TO ACT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, AND DO EVERYTHING WELL, THE WAY WE USED TO DO IT. I THINK MOST OF US ACTUALLY DID DO A GOOD JOB WITH OUR LIVES BEFORE DEPRESSION STARTED CREEPING IN! I WAS A SUCCESSFUL UNIVERSITY INSTRUCTOR; WELL-TRAVELED; GOOD FRIENDS; ELEGANT DRESSER; KNEW HOW TO ENTERTAIN NICELY…. BUT I ALSO HAD THE NORMAL PROBLEMS; MADE MY SHARE OF MISTAKES; AND DEFINITELY MADE SOME POOR DECISIONS CONCERNING IMPORTANT LIFE CHOICES, (ONE BEING THE DECISION NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN). BUT I COULD STILL HANDLE THINGS… COULD HANDLE MY LIFE…. UNTIL AROUND THE AGE OF 32-34, WHEN DEPRESSION REARED ITS UGLY HEAD. AND AS TIME PASSED, IT SLOWLY GOT WORSE AND WORSE….. BUT I COULD STILL FUNCTION AND WAS A WONDERFUL ACTRESS, SINCE NO ONE REALIZED ABOUT THE DEPRESSION BECAUSE I WAS ‘ON STAGE’ WHEN I WAS AT WORK, ETC. ONLY WITH MY PARENTS DID I SHARE MOST EVERYTHING…. AND WITH MY (THEN) HUSBAND, A CLOSE FRIEND, OR MY COUSIN… I MIGHT SAY THAT I FELT REALLY DEPRESSED OR SAD, BUT WITHOUT MANY DETAILS. THEN WHEN I LOST THE TWO PEOPLE WHO WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING FOR ME, AND LOVED ME UNCONDITIONALLY: MY BELOVED PARENTS….. THE DEPRESSION ATTACKED WITH EVERY BIT OF ITS STRENGTH…. OF COURSE THAT WAS ALSO MY GRIEF FOR MY WONDERFUL PARENTS, AND THE LOSS OF THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO WERE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME. NO OTHER FAMILY, AND I WAS ALL ALONE IN THIS BIG SCARY WORLD. SORRY, DIDN’T REALIZE I WAS WRITING SO MUCH. MY APOLOGIES.

          3. Please, please don’t apologize, Sharon!! How vulnerable for you to share your personal story with us — it does mean something that you feel safe enough here to speak the truth of your life and your struggle. I can tell from your post how much the loss of your parents has effected you and your feelings of hopelessness, as I read and interpret. You have done many, many things that would be labeled ‘productive, meaningful, accomplished’ so please consider giving yourself credit for all that you ‘have’ done. As far as making the choice to not have children—-believe me, having children makes graveling through the depression SO much harder and painful. My grown children don’t get it, at all, and I have just stopped talking about it to them. I have been hospitalized many times through the years–before I was married and then after the birth of my 3rd son. I am, fairly, stable right now and am trying to accept myself for who I am. Do I have the support of my family—nah, but they do love me, just don’t understand or want to know about the mental illness issues. So—-I try and muddle through—try to make myself do things to be more a part of my family when I can. I have to add, I don’t know which would be worse——having parents that were supportive of you for much of your life and then loosing them OR having parents who were very abusive even to the point of sadistic and having to find anything your needed from a very young age. I guess that I learned to not expect anything positive from others which can make you feel rather dead inside. I feel the desire to add something good—-I raised 3 sons that I am very proud of and they have families which I have had to learn to ‘let go’ of and expect not to receive but try, my very best, to give. I feel for you, Sharon, and wish your very best for you. Look at the best in yourself—-even if just 1 thing. I utilized guided imagery cd’s, with good results, designed to help with dealing with MDD and positive self-talk. Sometimes, the guided imagery cd’s would help me make it through the morning and then help me get through the night. Thinking of you and wishing good things for you!

          4. THANK YOU, MARY, FOR YOUR VERY KIND WORDS. YOUR UNDERSTANDING IS SO APPRECIATED.

            THE REST OF THIS POST IS JUST ME…. WONDERING…. HOPING…. FUSSING… OR JUST VENTING, I GUESS. I’VE WRITTEN SO MUCH HERE RECENTLY THAT FOR THE NEXT 6 MONTHS OR SO, I PROBABLY WON’T HAVE THE ENERGY OR EVEN THE DESIRE TO TYPE ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL.

            I’M WONDERING IF IT’S IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANOTHER PERSON TO UNDERSTAND.. OR BE HELPFUL, OR KIND, OR NON-ACCUSATORY ABOUT THIS SEVERE DEPRESSION UNLESS THEY’VE EXPERIENCED IT, OR HAD SOMEONE THEY LOVED EXPERIENCE IT.

            WHY CAN’T FAMILY OR FRIENDS…. SUPPOSEDLY INTELLIGENT INDIVIDUALS, OPEN THEIR MINDS ENOUGH TO ALLOW IN JUST A LITTLE BIT OF COMPREHENSION IF THEY ACTUALLY WANT TO HELP US IN THIS DEPRESSION STRUGGLE.
            AND THIS MIGHT NOT BE SO DIFFICULT IF THESE PEOPLE WOULD JUST *STOP* THINKING THAT THEY KNOW WHAT WE’RE GOING TO SAY… AND TRULY *LISTEN* AND *HEAR* THE WORDS COMING OUT OF *OUR* MOUTHS.

            (What I’m speaking of here happens to most all of us, I feel; but for simplicity and ease of writing, I’m going to continue,primarily, with “I” rather than “WE”.
            If you happen to be one of the more fortunate individuals fighting depression because you DO have family or friends who understand and help you, then I am so very, very HAPPY FOR YOU. God bless you, and I hope you make a complete recovery soon.)

            IF FRIENDS OR FAMILY LISTENED AND HEARD ME WHEN I GATHERED UP ALL MY STRENGTH AND TOOK ON THE TASK OF TRYING TO GET HOW I FEEL THROUGH TO THEM…. THEN HOW HARD WOULD IT BE FOR THEM TO AT LEAST *TRY* TO PUT MY WORDS INTO CONTEXT WITH THE TIMES I’VE MENTIONED MY LIFE FEELING COMPLETELY EMPTY, LIKE AN ‘EXISTENCE’ THAT I MUST ‘GET THROUGH’ EACH DAY… NO HAPPINESS OR ENJOYMENT OF THINGS I USED TO LOVE DOING….. NO ANTICIPATION OF ANYTHING GOOD THAT MIGHT MAKE A DIFFERENCE…… ABSOLUTELY NO ENERGY, NEITHER PHYSICAL NOR MENTAL NOR EMOTIONAL, IN ORDER TO DO SOMETHING ENJOYABLE OR WORTHWHILE, MUCH LESS THOSE THINGS OVERDUE BY WEEKS, MONTHS, OR EVEN LONGER (and never got done). CAN’T PEOPLE REALIZE OR ‘SEE’ THAT THERE IS A REASON WHY I NO LONGER HAVE ANY ENERGY WITH WHICH TO BEHAVE LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING?
            I HAVE ALWAYS HAD, AND MET, VERY HIGH GOALS; I’VE TRIED TO KEEP MY HOME UP-TO-DATE AND LOOKING WELCOMING; I’M AWARE OF, AND COMPLETE, THE THINGS THAT ‘SHOULD BE DONE’ IN LIFE.
            IF I SAY THAT I’LL CALL SOMEONE BACK, I DO SO.
            IF I KNOW THAT I NEED TO GET DATA OR INFO. TO ANOTHER PERSON, I DO IT ON TIME.
            THIS IS THE WAY I USED TO BE BEFORE DEPRESSION GOT THE UPPER HAND.
            RIGHT NOW, I HAVE IMPORTANT BUSINESS CALLS THAT I AM WEEKS LATE IN MAKING… AND I HAVE AN IMPORTANT EMAIL THAT HAS BEEN HERE FOR NEARLY A WEEK, AND FOR SOME REASON I DON’T WANT TO READ IT BECAUSE THE PERSON MIGHT NOT AGREE WITH MY PROPOSALS.
            THIS IS SO RIDICULOUS… AND I KNOW THAT IT IS. BUT WHEN I CLOSE HERE, I PROBABLY STILL WONT DO THESE THINGS…. AND NOT DOING THEM COULD COST ME MONEY AND PERHAPS, A LITTLE RESPECT.
            JUST ONE OF THE WAYS DEPRESSION TAKES OVER A LIFE!

          5. I totally agree. It helps to know that someone gets it. I would to talk to any of you. Kadyjane7@gmail.com. I would so appreciate emails as right now I just want to cry. My hope is in God or I would probably be dead. Kady

          6. KADY, AT LEAST WE BOTH HAVE THE RIGHT HOPE: THE LORD.
            I KNOW THERE IS UNFORGIVENESS IN MY HEART, AND I THINK THIS IS WHY GOD ISN’T ABLE TO ANSWER MY PRAYER THE WAY I WANT. HOWEVER, I CAN’T HIDE ANYTHING FROM HIM…. AND WHAT THIS PERSON, MY COUSIN, DID TO ME WAS SO PAINFUL AND CRUE (AND SHE REALIZED AT THE TIME THAT HER SELFISHNESS AND CRUELTY WERE GOING TO BE THE FINAL HURTS THAT WOULD TAKE ME TO A NEW LEVEL OF HOPELESSNESS.) THIS WAS 10 YEARS AGO, AND THE RAW PAIN OF WHAT SHE SAID AND DID HURTS AS MUCH NOW AS IT DID AT THE TIME!
            ENOUGH ABOUT THAT! I JUST HOPE THAT YOU DON’T HAVE ANYTHING THAT’S CAUSING YOU TO HAVE TROUBLE WITH FORGIVENESS. I’M SURE THERE’S MORE TO MY NOT GETTING A MIRACLE THAN THE UNFORGIVENESS ONLY…. BUT WHEN YOU’RE SO DARN UNHAPPY, IT’S HARD TO TRY TO BE PERFECT! IT’S NOT EASY TO TRY TO ALWAYS DO THE ‘BEST’ THING, AND MAKE THE MOST UNSELFISH DECISIONS, ETC. ALL THE TIME WHEN YOU’RE HAPPY AND WELL…. BUT IT’S ABOUT A MILLION TIMES MORE DIFFICULT TO DO IT AS I SEE OTHER PEOPLE WELL AND HAPPY AND HAVING FUN…. AND I WONDER WHY THEY’RE SO FORTUNATE, AND NOT ME. SOMETIMES I KNOW THAT THIS PERSON OR THAT ONE ISN’T NEARLY AS KIND AND CARING AS I AM, AND I JUST CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY I, LIKE YOU, HAVE HAD TO SUFFER SO MUCH ALL THESE YEARS.
            I HOPE THAT THE DEPRESSION DOESN’T HAVE A TENDENCY TO “GIVE” YOU, AS IT DOES TO ME, AN ANGER THAT I NEVER BEFORE HAD. I’M JUST HAPPY THAT I FINALLY READ THAT THIS ANGER IS ACTUALLY CAUSED BY THE DEPRESSION, BECAUSE BEFORE, I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND AN ANGER THAT I NEVER USED TO HAVE…. AND I WAS BLAMING MYSELF FOR YET ANOTHER FLAW I HAD. (BECAUSE THE DEPRESSION ALWAYS CAUSES ME THINK EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW, INTELLECTUALLY, THAT MANY TIMES IT WAS DEFINITELY NOT MY FAULT. I JUST NO LONGER HAVE ANY CONFIDENCE IN MYSELF….AND THESE THINGS, TOO, ARE THE WORK OF THE DEPRESSION.
            SINCE DEPRESSION DOESN’T “GIVE” EVERYONE THE SAME HORRIBLE AND DEGRADING SYMPTOMS, I REALLY HOPE THAT THESE ARE NOT DIFFICULTIES THAT YOU HAVE TO STRUGGLE WITH.
            I ALSO HOPE YOU HAVE FAMILY THAT MIGHT BE ABLE TO, AT LEAST, GIVE YOU EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. I HAVE NO OTHER FAMILY SINCE MY ADORED PARENTS DIED… AND FOR MORE THAN 6 YEARS AFTER THEIR DEATHS, I WAS TOTALLY ALONE IN EVERY WAY (AND WANTED TO DIE.) I ALSO DIDN’T WANT TO TRY TO MAKE OR KEEP FRIENDS (ALTHOUGH I NEEDED THEM SO BADLY!), OR EVEN GO OUT TO DINNER WITH A MAN BECAUSE IT WAS SUCH AN EFFORT TO TRY TO GET DRESSED UP AND LOOK NICE. BUT I MET SOMEONE WHO SAW THE PERSON I USED TO BE RATHER THAN THE PERSON I AM AT THE PRESENT TIME, AND WOULDN’T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER. THINGS ARE NOT PERFECT FOR US, BUT THEY ARE VERY GOOD, AND HE IS WHAT HAS KEPT ME GOING.
            I AM SO SORRY THAT I JUST KEPT GOING ON ABOUT MY PROBLEMS…. PLEASE FORGIVE ME! YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I DON’T WANT TO TALK, AND DON’T TALK EVEN ABOUT HALF WAY IMPORTANT THINGS FOR DAYS, WEEKS, OR MONTHS. BUT THEN IF THERE’S SOMEONE LIKE YOU, THAT I KNOW IS HURTING, I KEEP GOING, HOPING THEY WILL SEE MY MISTAKES AND STRUGGLES, AND REALIZE THAT THEY AREN’T ALONE IN THE WORLD WITH THIS HORRIBLE ILLNESS…. AND THAT THERE ARE OTHERS WHO UNDERSTAND EXACTLY THE PAIN AND HOPELESSNESS THEY FACE EVERY SINGLE DAY.

            I WISH FOR YOU HAPPINESS AND ‘WELLNESS.’
            FOR ME, DECEMBER IS A VERY DIFFICULT MONTH: CHRISTMAS OF COURSE, MY BIRTHDAY, AND MAMA AND DADDY’S WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.
            BUT MAYBE THIS YEAR WE’LL BOTH FEEL A LITTLE OF THE HOPE THAT WE DON’T ORDINARILY FEEL…. AND WE’LL KNOW THAT GOD IS DEFINITELY WITH US. AND WHEN HE’S WITH US, I JUST KNOW THAT ‘HELP’ CAN BE POSSIBLE. AND I’LL CONTINUE TO PRAY THAT IT *IS* POSSIBLE FOR ME…. AND THAT IT’S DEFINITEY POSSIBLE FOR YOU, TOO. GOD BLESS YOU.

          7. trying to respond to Sharon but can’t seem to get the phone to work right Sharon you sound just like me and I just wanted to say forgiveness is a choice it doesn’t matter how bad you feel and how hurt you are mad you are we can still choose to forgive Which is what I did when my stepdaughter? Crushed me 2 years after my husband died I would like to talk more but this phone is driving me crazy anyone interested in texting me I do better with texting my phone number is 859 285-9154 hope to talk to you again Sharon hope to talk to others God bless you all for kady

          8. Sharon, Therese and others,

            I too am suffering horribly with treatment-resistant depression. I’m 37 years old and have been crippled with anxiety, OCD, and major depression since I was a child. I have seen countless psychiatrists. My current psychiatrist is “out of ideas” for me. I have tried every possible (and complex) combination of drugs, therapy (group, individual, cbt, dbt, interpersonal, mindfulness, meditation etc.). She is now “looking into” ketamine infusions but they are only available in the U.S. (Manhattan, Pittsburg). I am ‘battling’ this monster daily and hate waking up every morning to more pain. No one in my family or group of friends understands. They think I need an attitude adjustment, a better diet, or as my British father says “have a stiff upper lip” about life and my sadness. I don’t believe ECT will help me but I’m in such despair I don’t know what else to do. Living out the rest of my years this way is a horrible, terrifying thought. Yet, I feel I have no choice. I wish I could go back in time and somehow not be born. I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes I feel angry at my parents for having me.

            Therese – thank you for your blogs – I always like to read what you have to say and I especially liked your thoughts on Robin Williams’ passing. I relate so much to your struggles and your pain. I know what it’s like to want to die without actually having to kill yourself. I have a child who I love more than ever and so I feel guilty for being this way. I am fighting this thing to stay alive for her as I will never leave her. I am in so much emotional pain; I am so sad. I wish there was an answer; a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m always scared.

          9. Erica, I’m just so very sorry every single time I hear of someone else feeling like I do.
            And I totally understand how you feel when your psychiatrist “has no more ideas.” I used to be a medical librarian, and I started delving into the very few drugs or procedures that were being tested and looked like a possibility for my type of depression (they didn’t call it Treatment Resistant, or even have a special name for it other than ‘Endogenous Depression’ back then, when my depression began.) Then I would tell my doctor what I had found that I wanted to try, because occasionally there would be something that sounded hopeful. But of course nothing ever did any good at all! Helping the psychiatrist with his/her work when I’m paying a fortune every time I go there!!! I got to be very familiar with the fact that very little was being done to find a cure for our depression!!!
            I wish for you every good thing… and we have to keep hoping and trying, Erica. I, too, am thinking about ketermine (sorry for misspelling), and trying to find someplace near me where I can try it. Always so many problems trying to locate the right people, though.
            God bless you…
            Sharon

          10. Sharon,

            I feel exactly the same way. I am so tired of people telling me that I just need to be more positive or get out more, and then I’ll get better. My dad’s wife even had the nerve to suggest that she too “could have” fallen prey to depression, but that she was just “too stubborn” to let it set in. Can you believe that? Like if I had more willpower, then I wouldn’t be so ill. I felt like telling her that her statement was tantamount to telling a person with diabetes that if they could just manufacture their own insulin, then they wouldn’t have diabetes. It’s disgusting. It’s ignorance. I’m sick of it. No one around me understands. I’m happy I found this blog. I’m not happy to hear how others suffer, but it makes me feel like I’m not the only one living this hellish existence, and so I guess I feel somewhat less alone.

          11. When I hear ignorant comments like this, I almost have to leave the room to keep from screaming out how totally stupid they are—– that they have no idea in h–l what this type of depression is like— and that their asinine comments should remain in their mouth!!!!
            I DON’T SOUND AT ALL ANGRY DO I? AGAIN, THIS ANGER IS COMPLIMENTS OF THE DEPRESSION…. I USED TO HARDLY EVER FEEL ANGER AT SOMEONE… I COULD JUST LET WHATEVER IT WAS THAT THEY SAID OR DIDK.. KIND OF JUST SLIDE AWAY AND BE FORGOTTEN, OR PUT SOMEWHERE WHERE I HARDLY THOUGHT OF IT AGAIN.

    2. It’s research like this which makes me wonder why assisted suicide or euthanasia are still not an option in the UK, and that such options should include psychiatric disorders, like euthanasia in Belgium allows for.

      (How many of these ‘right to life’ people would change their tune if they were the ones becoming infirm, losing their independence, or chronically mentally ill? It’s very easy to preach ‘life is precious, and things can get better’, etc., when you’re not the one who is suffering.)

      Would people be happy to see a family member suffer for 10, 20, or 30 years with cancer that is not responding to treatment or getting better, or would they want to see them free from the pain and suffering? We don’t let our dogs or cats suffer like that, and we don’t even give them a choice.

      I don’t see why mental pain is any different. If it’s not going away, and not getting better, why are we so selfish as a society to allow that pain to be ongoing, if the person decides they’ve had enough?

      At least physical pain can be relieved (even if not treated) with morphine, and the like, with the ‘double effect’ principle you could go for. What relief is there for chronic mental pain? They certainly won’t prescribe large amounts of morphine for that to make you feel better, or ketamine which shows good promise at giving some relief of intractable depressive symptoms.

      What happens if research like this shows there is depression that can’t be treated at all with current medicine? Would that then be classed as terminal somehow? (Terminal to quality of life.)

      I’ve had chronic depression for many years which has morphed now into a combination of chronic dysthymia and anhedonia, with bouts of severe depression without the usual melancholy, and spending life shuffling around like a corpse is no fun at all. I’d rather be horribly depressed again, as least then I could feel emotions and motivation that were more than just a fleeting surface level thing.

      Medical research does a good job of prolonging suffering along with treating illness. With these increased lifespans there needs to be an integrated right to death approach, which sees the option of autonomy in our life and death decisions, and having our natural lifespans returned to us if we wanted, which was half of what it is now not so long ago in human history.

      1. I AGREE, ANDREW.
        WITH THIS LIFE-STEALING DEPRESSION AND NO FAMILY, THE THOUGHT OF BEING ALONE AND SICK AND OLD FOR YEARS IS A HUGE FEAR! MY FAMILY ON MAMA’S SIDE, ESPECIALLY, HAS A VERY LONG LIFE EXPECTANCY. MY PARENTS LIVED UNTIL THEY WERE IN THEIR LATE 80’S A’ND EARLY 90’S. THE THOUGHT OF CO’NTINUING TO ENDURE THIS WHEN I’M REALLY OLD, TOTALLY ALONE WITH A MUCH YOUNGER POPULATION, AND EVEN SICKER “SCARES ME TO DEATH” AND MAKES ME WANT TO DIE SOON, SO THAT I DON’T H AVE TO THINK ABOUT THAT HAPPENING TO ME. “FEAR” IS SOMETHING I LIVE WITH DAILY…. WHICH, BEFORE DEPRESSION, WASN’T AN ABNORMAL CONCERN BECAUSE I KNEW THAT I WAS STRONG ENOUGH TO HANDLE THINGS. I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER HOW THAT FELT IT’S BEEN SO LONG AGO. AND JOY? WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?

      2. I could not agree with you more. I feel your pain and I suffer, often in silence, wishing more people would understand, or at least learn that just because you can’t ‘see’ the pain, doesn’t mean it’s not there.

    3. THIS IS NOT A COMMENT ON THAT 2013 POST…. BUT IT’S THE ONLY PLACE I CAN FIND TO MAKE A COMMENT WITHOUT MAKING A REPLY TO SOMEONE WHO MESSAGED ME.

      I’M WONDERING WHY- WHEN I CLICK ON A CERTAIN PAST MONTH AND YEAR TO READ THE POSTS DURING THAT TIME-FRAME – I AM TAKEN TO SOMETHING THAT THERESE WROTE, WITHOUT SEEING ANYTHING AT ALL OF OUR POSTS FOR MY SELECTED MONTH AND YEAR.

      HAS ANYONE ELSE HAD THAT PROBLEM, OR AM I THE ONLY “LUCKY” ONE??

      THANKS!

    4. I mentioned this article/post just now, Sept. 2017………………..I wasn’t asking that it be repeated (FROM 2013! a bit old now!) I asked and posted the question: what had happened to this Doctor, since I see no other posts from him. Guess he must not have been too interested in us after all.

  1. I have been “prescribed” medications that dont do anything or make it worse. I am hesitant to “take” anything from Western pharmacology.
    thanks for the post

  2. Folks, I post these links with trepidation but with a sense of responsibility. I recognize the research seems like it is fringe—but it isn’t. Even Johns Hopkins is conducting such research. I for one intend to give it a try as soon as I can locate the medicine

    http://www.popsci.com/science/article/2013-04/new-science-lsd-therapy

    http://blogs.smithsonianmag.com/science/2013/06/could-magic-mushrooms-be-used-to-treat-anxiety-and-depression/

    http://digitaljournal.com/article/353812

    I don’t think it is for everyone but for those it can help—well it is a godsend. Thanks, Therese

    1. Kim, that’s what happened to me with ECT treatment. I had over 30 treatments over a course of several years. I didn’t think I felt better, however my husband said I was acting much better. Maybe I was. Maybe I didn’t give it a chance to work because I dismissed the treatments thinking there’should no way they’ll work. Maybe the ECT treatment doesn’t work just by themselves. In hindsight, maybe I should have had a more positive approach. I’ll never know for sure, unless I decide to have additional treatments. I pray they eventually work for you. I know what you’re going through.

      1. I struggle with depression. I have no feelings. No joy. I lay in bed 16 hours a day. I had meds and ECT. I feel lost

        1. Joe……I have struggled, failed, and struggled even more for over 50 years of my 66 years. I have to add, that I grew up in an extremely emotionally and physically abusive family———so, that left me believing that beginning my life in year after year of intense feelings of fear– thinking I was of no value, of no worth, and unworthy of being loved—I felt those were the reasons I spent most of my life with severe depression that took so much of ‘living’ from me. I have had so many combinations of medications that only my psychiatrist can keep up with the trials (Hopefully he does) different types of combinations. I went through a period of time when, literally my brain was broken—-that is when I had ECT treatments and even more trials and attempts of finding something that worked. I am in a phase that I feel as if I am just living through the days——going through times of hopelessness and questioning the ‘why’ of my life here. I have found relationships to be so, so difficult that I tend to shut the doors to them because of frustration and me ‘just not getting’ them. I can see patterns of dysfunction in my way of thinking and so I have, once again, set up trying counseling to assist me. BUT, then I just see and say——“What am I and how the hell did I get like this?” I pray that you will find some lifting of your situation—–that you will set ‘tiny’ little goals for yourself that will make you believe that ‘YOU CAN” and that you deserve. I could not get out of the bed for over 10 days——slept and slept and later found that I had a form of anemia that was adding to my depression. So, don’t discount that you may have more than depression alone. Some days—–I will say to myself: “I am going to get a shower and blow dry my hair and get up for a few hours.” Then, act and think as if I have just finished a marathon and try to praise setting a goal and doing some little thing that is actually just getting out of the bed. I know I must be rambling but——I say all this, to say to you, Joe——-accept where you are right now, don’t beat yourself up and even if comfy sheets are the only thing you can think of a ‘nice’—–say, “Sheets, you feel nice today and I love running my feet across you!” Sounds stupid, I know, but I have done that some days just to feel something. Take very nice care of you, Joe, and thanks to you for sharing. I hope that you will feel just one thing today that will be a small joy or light for you and that you can accept it as a gift for you, Joe. There are gifts for you that no one else will see and no matter how bad you feel—–they are there for just you—–even if it is just your sheets for the day! I will be thinking about you.

          1. Thank you so much Mary for the kind words. Today I had an appointment and will start on 2.5 mg Abilify along with the current 150 mg Zoloft. Tomorrow is the day I start the Abilify and I hope it helps. God bless you for your kindness and encouragement

          2. The changes in the medication sound like a great start for you Joe! I am so very pleased to hear of a decision to try to help yourself!! You are well worth any and every single good thing—like I said, even if it is the feel of the sheet on your feet!! Believe me, some days that is such a big thing to make me grateful!! Each and every one of us are unique and worthy of our best life! I have to remind myself not to compare myself to those around me—–we each have gifts to bring and YOU do, as well. They may just be hiding right now but, will return! May you see the sun or moon dancing on top of a body of water——always brings a big smile to me. Sparkleewater—-aka Mary

          3. Mary, the form of depression that I have is that I feel numb. I feel nothing except for occasional anxiety. I am hoping and praying that the added abilify helps. I really feels like hell. I again thank you for your kind words and hope that you too have some good periods. I thought about killing myself and tried about 10 years ago and had ECT and it helped. 2 months ago I had 5 treatments and quit thinking the meds would do the rest. I don’t even enjoy my 2 wonderful cats the way I want to. My escape seems to be when I dream when sleeping. I do WANT to get better but everything is a chore as you probably know. I do not want to get out of bed because I feel nothing. If the abilify does not work I may go for 12 ECTs. I pray for all who suffer like this.

    2. I appreciate your links to the information concerning the possibility of new treatments. I believe that the ‘magic mushroom’ possibilities are very exciting—I just wish that I would find myself to be a part of study involving them. I know that growing up in the 60’s —psilocybin was part of the hippy experience. It was said then, that the drug had been used by the indigenous Indian world. I do believe that it would have much to offer, in small doses. I may ask my psychiatrist about the possibilities but—–??????

      Anyway—-thanks for the information! It is always good to hear about new forms of treatments!!

  3. You are not alone in faking your way through days. We’ve had so many personal financial setbacks in past 6 years I lurch from valley to valley. I think about suicide a couple times a week.

    1. Huge difference between depression due to personal financial setbacks (or another type of problem caused by “something bad” that is happening in your life at that particular time) and depression that is ALWAYS there, whether the other parts of your life are wonderful or tragic. When your money problems are solved, you no longer are so depressed?? With us, we could have plenty of money, but our life still would be worth nothing because the depression is always with us…… just as bad… just as consuming…. and still making my life only an existence, where there is NOTHING other than sadness, tears, fear, hopelessness, etc.

  4. Have you, or any of your readers, tried TMS? I’d love to get some feedback as I am scheduled to start treatment in January . I also had genetic testing done through Genomind which showed I am treatment resistant. No surprise there, but it also listed pain medications and antibiotics that will or will not work for me. Forgive me if you’ve recently addressed this issue but I’ve been out of touch lately. I am excited about TMS but skeptical. And it is very expensive, upwards of $13k.

    1. I did a full course of rTMS – the standard TMS treatment. I went to two offices. The first one did not set the threshold correctly for the intensity of the treatments and they were so painful I cried. The second one did much better with the threshold. It should not be painful. The full course of treatment cost about $12k. There was no improvement in the depression – in fact, it got a little worse. However, the only side effects were headaches and some inability to drive shortly after the appointments, nothing like the side effects even from medications. I have treatment-resistant depression, I have been on dozens of meds, seen many counselors. I hope it works for you. I understand it works for some.

      1. Hello, I just had my first TMS teat mentioned and it felt like I was being kicked in the head. I cried. The woman who set it up put some strictly foam somewhere to help relieve the pain during the treatment. My Dr. did not tell me it would hurt like that. Are they damaging my brain? I am suppose to go 6 days a week. The Dr. was not as thoughtful or concerned as the woman administer g the treatment. The Dr. told me that it will get easier next time. Are they putting the thing in the right place with the right amount of zap?

      2. I went through everything in my life with this disease. I did go through TMS and it did nothing for me but cost 10 grand. Be careful it did not work for me. I’m trying the natural method with natural drugs. Magnesium, etc. I believe this is my last hope. 60 years is a long time to feel
        awful. Hope everything goes well for everyone. Let’s keep praying and hoping that someday there will be a cure.

        1. I agree, I am 64 and have yet to feel really well. Sometimes it is a little better, but I am never “well” and the well meaning Christian people succeeds in making me feel even worde.

  5. My good friend (and Outreach Mental health nurse) Jessica reckons that ECT doesn’t work for those with a personality disorder. She conducts ECT every week with the clinician so has seen hundreds of cases (and assisted in them all). Something to think about.

  6. I have suffered from depression & panic attacks for over 30 years. Unlike most of my panic attacks, avoidance doesn’t work with depression…not for me. Currently seeing the wonderful Doctor that first treated me 35 years ago. Yet to this day nothing has changed for me. He continues to try to help & encourage me. I believe “Resistant Depression” is a fact & I just might fall into that category. I would certainly welcome any study into this! Godspeed & God Bless. Dianne, Ohio

    1. Yes, I would love to be a member of a ‘resistant depression’ blog, as many as there are out there so please let me know if you have one or know of any. Peace and love………lila

  7. Hi, I think your site might be having browser compatibility issues.
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  8. I didn’t necessarily think that I was alone in this. To be truthful, it is difficult to jump out of my own head for long enough to see how others think and feel.

    I’m sitting here at work doing some research because I have TRD (MDD). I also have C-PTSD and BPD. I think about suicide most days. Sometimes, all I think I need is a good cry, but of course that won’t help.

    I’m probably going to miss some on my list here, but I have been on Prozac, Zoloft, Welbutrin (certainly a death wish to get back on that one), and I am currently on the mix of Effexor and Abilify. I couldn’t remember how many treatments of ECT that I’ve had even if I tried – A bunch is all I can say. And here I am . . . Back to square one.

    What is next for me? My psychiatrist seems to be out of ideas. My VA psychiatrist wants me to go on Lithium, but boy is that easy to OD on. That’s why my other one wouldn’t put me on it. Will there ever be a cure for me? Or will I make my husband a single father? My kids will never understand. The truth is that I don’t want them to. To know of my near-daily trauma would be . . . Well, traumatic.

    If I do ever do anything stupid, I just want everyone to know that it’s not anybody’s fault. Not mine, not theirs.

    Thanks for the blog.

    1. Beth,
      Hang in there. I wish I knew the medication combination that would bring you relief, or the magic bullet. It is so hard and so painful. But you are brave. You are pushing forward despite the pain. And you WILL feel better. I don’t know how or when but you will. It won’t always feel like this. Someone just said to me the other day to never make a permanent “solution” to a temporary problem. I hold you in prayer. Therese

      1. Yes there are others, I have been severely depressed for over 50, in and out of hospital, on more meds than I care to remember, more therapy failures as well. And yes it is a living hell having to fake normal daily for family and employers, not to mention exhausting!
        I’ve given up on a solution and have resigned myself to just existing and when I hear of someone dying it makes me envious because I dread facing another exhausting day.

        1. I know just how you feel. When I read of all of the sudden deaths of many celebrities in 2016, namely Carrie Fisher and then her mom Debbie Reynolds a day later, I thought to myself…I want to die too. How much longer do I have to suffer? When will it end? They say people with mental illness have a shorter life expectancy – about 7-11 years shorter than the average, healthy person. I cling to this notion of a shorter life. I don’t want to suffer too much longer. It’s been enough. It’s been hell.

    2. Unless you are bi-polar, lithium does NOT work. After doing much depression research when I was a medical librarian at LSU Medical Center…. I wanted to try it for my major depression (now called Treatment Resistant Major Depression), and told my doctor. I DID try it and got up to the maximum treatment amount……. the only thing it did for me was cause my hair to fall out every time I washed it or brushed it ‘firmly.’

      I wouldn’t go for it unless your doctor has had amazing results using it with your type of depression.

      GOOD LUCK.

  9. Beth,
    I feel your pain. I have been on the brink many times. I encourage you to look into TMS. I am a firm believer that if you are treatment resistant, no one single treatment will cure all. However I have had some success with TMS. It took me until the 33rd treatment to see results, but it’s been a few weeks now and I’m optimistic. I of course was praying for complete remission, but instead I have received clarity (before I was in a total fog) so that I can actually practice the cognitive therapy that I have paid thousands for already! It is a daily struggle, but I now have hope which is something I haven’t experienced until now.
    Hang in there.

  10. Interesting post. I am coming off of Cymbalta and have already come off of Paxil which never worked. I found out about SAMe and plan on trying that. If it works I will kick myself for not trying the natural approach….but what do you do when you are in the Hospital in a gown. You sign the paper and take what they give you. You are suicidal and at the lowest point of your life. Perhaps letting people know about natural approaches should be the first resort instead of the last. I recently tried Acupuncture and it gave me some brief relief. But the cost was adding up since I would need it twice a week. I want something that works everyday.

  11. Well, I hope they come up with something that works. It would be nice if there were some way to genuinely address a mental illness genetically. My experience has pretty much taught me that the approach to treatment with medication is an absolute hoax. When you first take it it is wonderful then it stops working and then you become dependent on a substance that is ultimately only aggravating and exasperating your initial sadness. Which is really bizarre when you think about it, because it was initially only dysthymia and general anxiety disorder. Now for the first time in your life you begin to feel less functional and less motivated than ever before. And if you try to stop meds now you will not leave the bed let alone the house, and you can’t overcome the withdrawal syptoms of agitation and insomnia that is so much worse than ever before. And now you realize that substances are the only thing that alleviates malaise. This is how you conditioned your brain to function when you first started taking anti-depressants and you kept taking them because they felt so good and everyone encouraged you too. But addiction and the complete inability to function was never in the initial contract you signed when you signed into this world. While I hope for a real treatment, in retrospect I am inclined to think depression is best left alone if you are trying to treat it chemically. No matter how painful an episode of depression is, it is just that an episode and episodes pass. But if you play the med game things get much worse and when you have developed a tolerance for everything as well as what seems to be a lifelong dependency you are ultimately labeled as having yet another disorder, Treatment Resistant Depression. In my book it is fairly evident that the Emperor has no clothes and to that end Big Pharma is in reality completely naked while at the same time raking in billions of dollars. They say that depression is becoming rampant, and that it is getting progressively worse, in this country and other developed countries. I wonder if the reason for the decline is because the vast majority of people struggling with sadness are ultimately put on drugs that exaserbate the illness. As one who has attempted suicide I know that an organic or chemical tendency towards depression and depressive episodes is exquisitely painful, but sometimes you have to experience pain to grow. I too have Knocked on Heaven’s Door and God I know that when you feel like that you just want some way out. But picking up drugs simply isn’t a pheasable or rational solution. At some point you realize that the medical or a least the pharmological modical simply isn’t sane and is largely based on the capitalistic model, the desire for profit. I haven’t given up and the article is encouraging as it maintains scientists are looking to treatment other than drugs. It is just that treatment in the first place is what has landed me with what seems to now be neatly coined as T.R.D.Well now I suppose in the mind of many in the medical community the DSM III and IV and psychiatry has yet peeled away another layer of the enigmatic onion of mental illness. What’s that song I like by Springstein, “One step up and two steps back.”

  12. I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU PEOPLE WITH TREATMENT RESISTANT DEPRESSION, AND NOT BI-POLAR, WHO KEEP TALKING ABOUT JUST WAITING AND GETTING PAST AN “EPISODE” OF DEPRESSION.

    DEPRESSION FOR ME IS CONSTANT…. ALWAYS….. IT NEVER GOES AWAY. SOMEDAYS I AM A BETTER ACTRESS THAN AT OTHER TIMES AND MOST PEOPLE AROUND ME WOULDN’T KNOW THAT INSIDE, I AM SAD, HOPELESS, WITHOUT ANY ENJOYMENT, WANT TO CRY, AM AFRAID, ETC. ETC. ETC.

    I’VE FOUGHT DEPRESSION FOR OVER 30 YEARS!
    I AM FINISHING UP TMS, AND IT ISN’T WORKING AT ALL. MY DOCTOR WAS SO HOPEFUL…. SAYING HE HAD NEVER HAD A PATIENT WHO DIDN’T GET BETTER… AND MUCH BETTER!
    AND NOW……………. $11,000 LATER, HE PROBABLY IS GOING TO TELL ME HE CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO TRY.
    ,
    PERSONALLY, I DON’T SEE HOW TMS CAN WORK THAT WELL FOR THE REST OF THE PATIENTS, AND NOT AT ALL FOR ME. LUCKY ME….. ONCE AGAIN, I FACE THIS HORRIBLE LIFE WITHOUT HOPE OR ENJOYMENT…. ONLY SADNESS, TEARS, INABILITY TO GET ANYTHING DONE, LONELINESS, ANGER, GUILT, ETC ETC.
    LIFE ISN’T WORTH LIVING, AND HASN’T BEEN FOR YEARS AND YEARS!

    1. Pegi
      I am sorry that you are not finding relief. I know nothing that I say will help ease the pain now, but please hear me out. I too suffer from major depression and my episodes are defined by degrees of severity since it never really disappears. I recently completed 35 sessions of TMS. I did not see any improvement until the 31st session, which is 6 weeks into the treatment. Most people see some relief during the 3rd week. I was convinced that I had once again fallen through the cracks; that it must be something about me that will screw up even the most promising treatment of our time. You may have undergone even more sessions without success, but my point is that you are worth the effort. Something will help and then you’ll have the strength to make it to the next step, whatever that is. Even though I found some success with TMS I am by no means cured. I still struggle but I have new hope and that is way more than I had 3 months ago. I know I can run this race, even if I’m only taking baby steps.

      1. Thank you for your kind message, Mary, and also for your information.
        My doctor, and this huge “institute” specializing in TMS that he is with, don’t do over 30 sessions, or 6 weeks. I asked him about the possibility of more (since I only have about 7 left to go), but he said there was no proof or documentation of it working if it hasn’t done anything for the patient at the end of 30 sessions. Also, my nearly $11,000 payment to him only gets me 6 weeks worth.
        Does your doctor advocate more than the standard 30? Do you mind if I ask how much you had to pay for the TMS? Were you fortunate enough to get your insurance to pay for it?

        Also, did you feel any relief or change at all before that 31st treatment?
        I’m so disappointed …I have nothing left to try, and I don’t think anything’s going to help me, anyway. It’s just been too long and too intense…… and I think the ones that can be helped are the people who haven’t had depression for so many years.
        Mary, I’m older, and I’ve been fighting this depression for 30 years! It took my entire life away from me!

        Thank you again for taking the time to write…..
        Pegi

    2. Hi Pegi,
      I completely understand what you mean. I have never had an array of “episodes” either. In fact, I wish I had because I have really only ever had 1 LOOONNNGGGG episode. (21 years and counting). I don’t know what I am going to do because I have already tried literally every type of drug and even rTMS! Most recently, I did ketamine infusions to no avail. I was sure those were going to be my saving grace, but NOPE!
      I think the most important thing for us is to keep HOPING! Without that, we are done. Sending you love.

      1. I’m so sorry, Jennie. Tonight, Oct. 16, 2016 is the first time I saw your message to me. I don’t know why…. maybe it’s my computer, or the fact that I’m not a techie or computer expert. But I wanted to thank you for writing and telling me what you did about your depression…. and thank you also for your “HOPE.” (I was also so disappointed to see that the ketamine infusions didn’t work for you because that was going to be my next attempt at normalcy. Jennie, have you read about or by now, even possibly tried Suboxone? It has been a miracle drug for soooooo many severely depressed people. It did not work for me, but if you can find a doctor who believes in it and will give it to you, I think it’s worked for more people like us than all of the others put together. God bless you, Jennie…. and I’ll pray for our miracles.

    3. Pegi,

      I hear you. My mask of normalcy is also seamless. Many people would have no idea that I am horribly depressed unless I told them. I wear a smile for my child and at work, and when I am away from either, I cry, and I don’t stop crying. It hurts so much. I’ve exhausted so many treatment options and ultimately, I’m just exhausted. I’m sad that this is just how it’s going to be for me, living with a chronic illness. My depression is not episodic either, it’s every day, all day and it has been this way since I was a young child. There are very few ups and mostly just horrifically painful downs, coupled with despair and hopelessness. This life is a nightmare.

      1. Erica, I just saw this other post from you.
        Your depression sounds almost exactly like mine!!
        My depression is ALWAYS…. NOT in any type of episodes where you feel worse when it “attacks you”,’ but there is less despair between the ‘bad depression’ times. ALL times are bad depression times… except, of course, some times are even worse than others.

        I’m so sorry for both of us, Erica.
        But remember how lucky you are to have your little girl…… and I can tell that you ARE being a very good mother to her!

        1. Hi Sharon,

          Thank you for your kind and supportive words. Yes, you’re right – I am lucky to have my daughter. It’s such a struggle though to put on my ‘happy face’ and to hide my extreme emotional pain from her. Maybe it’s good for me though. I don’t know. Yes, I think our depressions are very similar. I pray to God that He will give us the strength to carry on, and maybe one day, there will be a treatment that actually works, without the horrible side effects. Take care, Erica

  13. I have suffered for over 30 years as well. After reviewing my notes, I realize it was actually my 33rd treatment when I began to see improvement. My doctor doesn’t usually prescribe over 30 treatments. I was prescribed 35 with the hopes of finishing earlier. I am not suggesting you add more treatments. That is definitely between you and your doctor.
    l’m glad to share information with you but let’s continue via email. Anyone In this discussion is invited, but I don’t want to overwhelm those who are receiving email notifications with every update.
    Thanks
    M.still2@aol.com

  14. Don’t mean to be; unsympathetic, but I don’t have severe depression “episodes”….. I am always majorly depressed; !don’t enjoy anything, and no longer can get interested in anything; have no family; and have to take 16 pills everyday but still have bad back and leg pain from a fracture over 10 years ago. I just paid nearly $12,000 for TMS which did no good at all….. although the doctor said it had helped every other patient who had done it!! I have no hope except for the Lord – and I pray every night that he will heal me and take away this horrible depression! Good Luck to you and everyone else who is so terribly depressed.

  15. With one suicide every 15 minutes (just in US.) not to mention the “survivors” who live in such hell they have one foot in the grave, wouldn’t a burn patient or latent stage cancer patient WELCOME death if no relief from the pain was available ? It sounds like funding for research should be a priority to me. All these companies making billions of dollars and just as many lives are being destroyed. They introduce the “latest and greatest” that is pretty much a sugar pill with dangerous side effects. The funds for finding treatment that works should be MADE a priority. It usually has to hit home with their own families before they even give it a second glance much less care. People die on a daily basis because of “treatment resistant” lol depression and there is obviously no kind of priority on funding more for research and never will be until people who vote unite.

    1. You are so right, Jim. Depression doesn’t rank when it comes to finding cures for diseases. It’s debilitating, it interferes with activities of daily living, it’s all-consuming for those suffering from it, and yet it seems to be not important enough to focus on and fund. Perhaps because it’s not “terminal” illness, and it’s not a race against time. In reality, though, it really is.

      All the best to you.

  16. I don’t suppose anyone knows of a decent doctor in the Sarasota FL area? None of them here, be it psychiatrist, family practice, or ENT seem to give a damn about the patient. Only empathetic and kind ones are cancer specialists and cardiologists… and at the moment I don’t have cancer or a bad heart.

    1. Pegi, I will try to find out. A friend of mine just moved there and found a new doctor. She, also, said that it has been very frustrating. Apparently Florida is #50 (out of 50 states) in mental health spending!

  17. I think that treatments for depression and anxiety at the moment are absolutely pathetic . They definitely need to start spending more money and time finding new treatments . This illness is truly horrific for people to have to deal with if everyone had this illness once in their life then you would probably have better treatments soo frustrating when ssris and talking doesn’t improve the illness

  18. If everyone with severe anxiety and depression commited suicide then the scientists might be coming up with better drugs for treating or curing the brain . Every episode of depression I have tends to resolve it’s self after 7 to 9 months because the treatments available are so shit . Envy people with brains that actually work

  19. Hey. I’ve already posted on here once. A year ago, more or less. I have had no remission. I truly believe that one day I will be a victim to suicide. And I’m okay with that. I do not have a plan. I hardly ever make plans to do anything. Before I go, I want my story heard. I have made a video on YouTube, but it doesn’t cover everything. Just keep that in mind when/if you watch it. Here’s the link…
    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FwXg4plds88

    1. Beth, I just saw your tape and I have no words … just no words .. for the sadness in my heart. I wish I had the right words to say. Im sorry is just not enough.

      1. Anne,
        I have goals. I have things that I like to do and would like to accomplish. I am still a person. For now, that, and nothing else, not even my family, is what is prolonging my life. One of those goals is just to see how high the views can go. I don’t have a particular number in mind (I think that’s a good thing). I want to be astounded. That’s all. Feel free to share my story. And I’d like to know the stories of the rest of you, too. After all, people are stories. Instead of focusing on what we have, let’s focus on the cause for a minute.
        Beth

    2. I watched your video. I cried…for the umpteenth time today, I cried. This is my first time on this site. Treatment-resistant depression that was lifted once by Paxil 20 years ago. My history doesn’t come close to yours. Please know, should I choose to remain on this earth, you’re in my thoughts.

    3. Thank you for sharing your story. Don’t stop sharing it. It helps more than you know. Stick around and help others like you helped me, please

    4. My gosh. I cried too when I saw this. This is horrific. Absolute abomination. I’m so sorry for these atrocities that were done to you. I don’t even know how to respond to this. Well, no one seems to have cared much for you. I care. As I sit here and cry (not so manly, as hard to believe , but I am a guy). It’s unusual but I also have a very soft heart. You have value. I think your so strong to put this out here. Very very brave. That right there is a great quality. Let me also say this. I don’t know if tjhis will help. But your not alone. As tragic as it may be, I have been abused most of my life. As I write this , I’m in bed at 8: 30 am. I can’t sleep at all at night. I can’t get out of bed most of the day. I now at 40, I suffer everyday with treatment resistant depression. I amliving with my parents. I’m pretty much home bound. I have flashbacks all the time of all kinds of abuse from the past. I can’t stop thinking of them. I have no energy. A good day for me , is a day I can take a shower. I’ve been through all kinds of treatment . Here an abroad. Hopitals and drs who only made it worse, blaming me and giving me more memories of abuse I flashback to now. I feel as though I being punished and sentenced to house arrest. However I was never even given the luxery of being told what crime I committed. Nor was I given a sentence. So far it’s been 20 years as I watch through a small window and view Most other people living life. I. Am removed from society. It’s as if I don’t even exist. I think of suicide and dying everyday. The only thing keeping me from killing myself is the pain I will certainly cause my parents. As hard as it is to live, I just. Can’t. Hurt them so in that tragic way. So after all the writing, sorry if I Focused all on myself writing all this. Let me bring it back to you . Don’t give up ever. I have some idea of the pain and suffering your going through daily. You sound like a fighter. It’s inspiring. Maybe, people that are suffering so much daily can help each other. We can fight for our lives together perhaps. Maybe together we can somehow find a way to survive, as impossible as it may sound. After attempting suicide twice , let me share what the drs in the er said to me. It may help , I hope. When I came to , one, the first one, said it’s a good thing it didn’t work. Because we can’t help dead people. The second time I said to the dr., “I really don’t see much hope for me” And he responded ” where there’s life, there’s hope”. What they said has stuck with me and helped somewhat. Point is – your still here. It’s may not seem very probable, for me too, but it is possible things can better. Don’t give up. As long as you and I are here, there is perhaps a little hope. I care for you. Life’s been awful for both of us. Maybe people like you and I can stand strong together, maybe save each other. My heart goes out to you deeply.
      With Love, Dean Vanfrank.
      Oh I don’t really even talk much to people anymore. I’m too emotionally weak and sick get involved with any kind of relationships. It’s been that way for a while. But I just had to. After watching this. Perhaps we can email. My email address is – deanvanfrank@gmail.com

  20. Peggy Larson: I hope you read this. I am in exactly same situation. 32 years of severe depression and anxiety and nothing helps. Tried it all. If you are interesting in emailing me, please do so. I am asking Therese Borchard via this reply to Please, if possible, make my email available to those who wish to be of support to one another in some way.
    Anyone else who is in dire circumstances is also welcome to email me. I am keeping m fingers crossed.
    Thank you.

    1. Anne, I want to start pairing people together–just as you mentioned–so that they have some support. I am calling it “The Guardian Angel Program.” Are you okay with my sending your email to Peggy? Maybe you both can be the first pair!

      1. What is the Guardian Angel Program? Sure, send to Peggy. I would love to support others and, in so doing, myself. If anyone is concerned about anonymity, you can make another email account up, You are an angel yourself, Therese. Bless you. I read your writings and you are doing a novel thing and helping millions.
        I am STILL ME, I care very much and would love to help in any way that I can … though I am limited by my disability. It has been said that shared pain is halved.
        “Still Me”, is from Christopher Reeves’s book … actor who had accident and became quadriplegic.

        Thank you so much.
        Anne

          1. Therese, you said you removed my name (when I asked you to remove my LAST name.) Could this have done anything such that someone wouldn’t receive my emails? After receiving Anne’s last email, I’ve written to her twice, but haven’t heard back. I’m a little concerned and just wanted to make sure she was able to receive my messages. I probably haven’t given her enough time to write back…. it’s just that when someone is totally alone on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I want that individual to know that I care.

            Thanks for your time.

    2. Anne, I’ve been trying to answer your email at the same address you used, and the same one I’ve sent your other emails to, but the computer is saying there’s an error and won’t send it. I don’t know what to do…. and I didn’t stop writing to you….. could you possibly have changed email addresses? Please email me… you have my address. I hope you’re ok, and my thoughts have been with you. Pegi

  21. I was just told, Anne, that my email response to you didn’t go through (after days and days of trying and trying to find out what the problem could possibly be)
    because you either changed your email address or refused it. I’m sorry that in some way I must have offended you. May God bless you and keep you safe.

  22. WHAT HAPPPENED? DID THIS WEBSITE JUST SUDDENLY SHUT DOWN? DID PEOPLE, ALL AT THE SAME TIME, STOP WRITING? DID EVERYONE SUDDENLY GET HEALED FROM THEIR DEPRESSION? I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE KICKED ME OUT AND DOESN’T WANT ME TO BE A PART OF THIS! I WISH THE VERY BEST OF LUCK TO EVERY PERSON SUFFERING FROM THE AGONY AND PAIN OF TREATMENT RESISTANT
    DEPRESSION.

      1. TO WHOEVER “9MILLERPL” MIGHT BE ( I’VE NEVER HAD CORRESPONDENCE WITH THIS “NAME”, SO EITHER YOU’RE A STRANGER, OR YOU’VE ADOPTED AN ADDITIONAL USERNAME) : I’M VERY SORRY, BUT I’M USING A ‘LOANER’ WHILE MY COMPUTER IS BEING REPAIRED, AND THE LOWER CASE BUTTON OR COMPUTER PART OR WHATEVER IT’S CALLED DOESN’T WORK ANYMORE; THEREFORE, I HAVE TO USE CAPS.
        BUT IT WON’T BE A PROBLEM FOR YOU SINCE THIS IS MY LAST POST ON THAT WEBSITE.

        THE ONLY REASON I WROTE MY LAST 2 OR 3 POSTS IS BECAUSE I’VE WAS SO CONCERNED ABOUT “ANNE” , AND DIDN’T WANT HER TO THINK THAT I WAS IGNORING OR REBUFFING HER. SHE HAD SUGGESTED THAT WE EMAIL BACK AND FORTH, WHICH WE DID. BUT THEN WHEN I HAD TO GO BACK INTO THE HOSPITAL, IT TOOK A FEW DAYS FOR ME TO REPLY TO HER LAST EMAIL. WHEN I GOT HOME AND WROTE TO HER, THE MAIL CAME BACK, AND I WAS CONCERNED THAT SHE MIGHT FEEL HURT, THINKING THAT I REALLY DIDN’T WANT TO CONTINUE OUR CORRESPONDENCE. I KEPT TRYING AND TRYING TO SEND IT, BECAUSE I WANTED HER TO KNOW HOW MUCH I HAD BEEN TRYING TO GET THIS EMAIL TO HER. I KEPT THINKING IT WAS A COMPUTER PROBLEM UNTIL THE MAN AT THE COMPUTER SHOP TOLD ME THAT THE EMAIL EVIDENTLY WASN’T WANTED, AND WASN’T BEING ACCEPTED.

        I DON’T NEED TO FEEL ANY MORE REJECTION THAN WHAT THE DEPRESSION ALREADY MAKES ME FEEL, ESPECIALLY WHEN ALL I’M TRYING TO DO IS BE KIND AND TALK WITH SOMEONE WHO, I THOUGHT, FELT SIMILAR TO THE WAY THAT I FEEL EMOTIONALLY.

        YOUR REPLY ABOUT THE CAPS WASN’T THE NICEST THING EITHER….. THE ‘TONE’ WAS OBVIOUS. PERHAPS YOU SHOULDN’T AUTOMATICALLY THINK THE WORST OF SOMEONE (I.E. THAT I WAS “YELLING”) BEFORE YOU HAVE THE FACTS.

        GOOD LUCK AND BEST WISHES TO EVERYONE.

        GOODBYE.

  23. Who should fix the damages done by ect and drugs which made people to suffer? it needs to a way to at least improve the symptoms?

  24. If Ms Bouchard is able to be the founder of something and was able to find the right person to marry and have a child. I have to say from my perspective, her depression is not that bad.

    But I appreciate reading this as I would like to ask my Psychiatrist to send me to a neurologist.
    I live in Canada so one has to wait like anywhere else but no one except my Dr has a say in who I see.

    Good luck with your bad depression. It sounds like a day in the park. Except I don’t go to parks anymore
    Barry

  25. I have had a mental health diagnosis for for 20 years, and I am 33. I was originally diagnosed with depression at age 14 then bipolar at age 20. I have had numerous suicide attempts, been to many drs and therapists, on medications galore. The depression in bipolar is as bad as with unipolar. I have 2 young children and often think of suicide often. I don’t want to think this way but the thoughts still intrude. I want to try ECT but not sure if it will help.

  26. When you look at your life and you wonder if you have ever had a truly happy moment. I have tried numerous medications and different types of therapy. I excelled at school and in my career. I have an amazing son. And I am miserable every day. My life feels like a lie. I have tried to kill myself 3 times and was very nearly successful once. I drive to work and hope someone will crash in to me. No one in my life understands. Sometimes the pain is so bad, it’s physical. Every part of my body starts to hurt. How long am I supposed to endure this? I am 27 years old. Will the rest of my life be like this? I can’t keep living like this.

    1. I am 64 and it is still going on. I do not know what I can tell you Danielle except that you learn to go on and sometimes it does get a little better for a while and then you must enjoy it.

    2. I am again and still in the throes of another bout of living in hell. I am 59 years old and I cannot tolerate any stress at all- this illness has ruined my marriage, my career, most of my relationships, and life has added its own dirty tricks just to make the soup sour.
      Anyone who makes comments to people like myself that infer that we are not trying hard enough or “think happy thoughts” or “it isn’t that bad” is using verbal abuse to make themselves feel better- sorry if you can’t deal with this issue. Imagine how we feel. I would have added a couple of F_U’s but I am not so savvy with the computer…
      Just before this site I was looking at ” To be or Not to Be…”- and- having some one who isn’t a professional infer that anyone else has a “personality disorder” is not only abusive but rude as well. So stop it. Please.

  27. I am writing again to add that I did TMS beginning inNovember of 2015. I went every day for 30 more or less sessions. I did not feel better until I had completed the sessions. I wish that TMS would do for for everyone what it did for me. My Dr. has me still going once a month for “follow up” treatments. It is expensive and I am blessed to have had Ins. cover the initial treatments. I know they have worked for me because I have endured some rough patches without falling hard and fast into depression as I would have expected in the past. I am somewhat tethered to the follow up treatments because I do not want to go back to the dark pit of depression. I am only taking Deplin which is a pharmaceutical grade folic acid that a stem test showed to be lacking and essential for brain health. Again I wish TMS was available to everyone who was wanting to try it. I also wish that Dr’s. had a better understanding of how many treatments individuals need and if indeed the follow ups are essential to maintaining a depression free life. For those of you who have found TMS successful will you share if you are doing follow ups?

  28. I’m ready to try psychedelic psychotherapy, which hold some real promise for immediate paradigm shifts and relief from my TRD. any thoughts?

  29. Hi,

    I’ve been told many times to get ect. I am scared. Now I’m on 7 drugs and took modafinil for sleep apnea was a wonder drug just fizzled out and I’m back to feeling anxiety and depression. I think I’m also a very sensitive man. I’m 54 and been going through this since I was a teen, 2 rounds in the hospital for suicide attempts. I have clinical anxiety and depression. I was told I have medication resistant depression. Any body dealt with death, divorce while being very sensitive?

    God bless all

    Gary

    I am scared to do ect but I think the doc is going to mention it tommorow. I’m divorced have 2 kids that live with their mom. The writing this is making me cry. I’m an artist and can get lost in my art.

    1. Hi Gary—–
      I am just going back and checking on posts that I have missed or (forgive please) been too locked up into my own ‘stuff’ that I couldn’t see beyond my nose. I, as you can see, am not writing from a male perspective but do know one thing—–I think those of us who deal with the major depression that doesn’t really respond to treatment are very sensitive people. I believe that we, actually, pick up on things that others may not even realize. I feel like I walk into a room and feel the energy of those around me—–I have kind of come to the conclusion that this was a skill I had to learn in order to survive as a child. I had to always be on the keen lookout for the next mood change or possible attack by those around me. Maybe you didn’t have to develop this sensitivity to surroundings and are just the sensitive soul. I do think that this sensitivity makes us more creative but, also, more vulnerable to many negative feelings. I am trying to work on not assuming that ‘I am not a good person’ and that ‘nobody likes me’ and that ‘I just don’t know how to be like everybody else’. Can’t really describe all the things I feel like I struggle with but, being along seems to be something that I want more and more which does lead to loneliness — I just tend to feel like I don’t do the ‘relationship’ thing very well. You know something else—–let me ask you—-do you ever believe it when someone says something good about you? I just always feel like I am less than or not good enough—–which makes ‘being alone’ seem so desirable. Problem is—-I have 3 sons with beautiful families and I do love being with them so have to do a lot of self-talk and work on accepting ‘me’!

      Hope that you have made your decision for your personal treatment plan and that you are feeling some positive results.

      Mary

  30. Hi everyone,

    I share your pain. Not being facetious. I’m 78, been dealing with TRD since I was about 12. Just out of hospital, my fourth mh stay and terminated my ect treatments at the maintenance stage. It has worked before, but nothing works now. I’m handicapped, have no family and my much adored husband has been in long-term care for over four years, thanks to a catastrophic stroke. I’m in Canada, and hoping that our government gets serious about their “Assisted Suicide” legislation before too long. Not sure how much more of this I can cope with.

    jenn

    1. JENN, I KNOW HOW MUCH WORSE EVERYTHING IS WHEN YOU HAVE NO FAMILY TO LOVE YOU, AND WHOM YOU CAN LOVE… IT’S A TERRIBLY SAD AND SCARY TIME FOR ME, BECAUSE I, TOO, HAVE NO FAMILY. I DO HAVE A MAN WHO SAYS HE LOVES ME… AND 2 SPECIAL NEEDS RESCUE DOGGIES WHICH HELP SO MUCH, BUT I NEED THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE OF MY MAMA AND MY DADDY…. AND THEIR ADVICE… AND THEIR OPINIONS….. AND THEIR SUGGESTIONS….. BUT MOST OF ALL OF COURSE I NEED TO HOLD THEM AND LOVE THEM…. AND FEEL THEIR DEEP LOVE MAKE ME STRONG AGAIN.
      TO BE WITH THEM FOR ONE HOUR, I WOULD GLADLY GIVE UP 2 OR MORE YEARS OF MY LIFE…. MAYBE MORE.
      MY CHRISTMAS WISH FOR YOU, JENN, IS A TOTAL HEALING FROM ALL FORMS OF YOUR DEPRESSION, ALONG WITH THE HEALING OF YOUR BODY SO THAT YOU CAN REDEEM SOME OF THE TIME ‘STOLEN’ FROM YOU BY DEPRESSION. MAY 2017 BE THE BEGINNING…. THE REAL BEGINNING,,, OF A NEW LIFE FOR YOU

  31. I have had a full course of 36 TMS sessions, sadly it has not worked for me :(
    My next step is trying Ketamine infusions for depression. Please check out the Ketamine advocacy forum at http://www.ketamineadvocacynetwork.org/mission-and-vision/

    There has been a lot of research being done worldwide on ketamin infusions being used
    For Treatment resistant depression, there has been lots of people who have been helped by this. I am going to save up my money to do this, I’m out of options. I am also interested in the MDMA and Psilocybin treatments but those are only available via research studies of which I cannot join since I am not a combat vet. But for any combat vets out there, do a google
    Search on MDMA PTSD studies, they are enrolling people at a few major universities world wide. I have heard only good thing about the MDMA treatments they are exploring for helping to heal PTSD and depression in veterans.

  32. I wish I had an answer for all of you, but I don’t. I’ve been suffering like this since I was 13 and now I am 32. I have MDD, GAD, and OCD. Only one medication worked for a few years and then from there it was a series of try this, try that, to the point where I’ve tried every single drug (probably like 50 medications in different categories) and none of them did the trick. ECT helped for a while but that was it. TMS from what I hear is expensive, and I don’t think insurance covers it. I don’t know how effective it is. I will have to agree with others, more money should be spend on finding a cure for mental illness. I can’t work, I can’t leave the house, I spend my days at home, and thoughts of wanting to die cross my mind every day. My life literally stinks. All I can do is hope for a cure, but until when? Good luck to all.

  33. I worked in a high stress software engineering job and have had depression for decades. It has worsened over the past year – medications and psychiatric talk therapy have not worked. I had a lot of physically and verbal abuse in my young days, plus physically abusive boyfriends decades ago (I am 63 now) – didn’t think this contributed, but now I’m wondering.
    There are days when driving to work when I can’t decide if I should go to the Emergency Room or work. Sleep is difficult and there are nights where I just want to scream, but instead I keep all the mind chattering quiet. Most days I can’t concentrate and I dream of the job laying me off with severance so I can rest – that’s not going to happen.
    The other day, I saw a naturopath and she did about 20 minutes of acupuncture. For the first time, I got an idea of what it’s like to not have this dark cloud over my head – I actually felt like I could go on. That lasted about 24 hours. I’m going to see her again as maybe she’s onto something. Wasn’t a cure or anything, but I definitely felt better than I had in years for about 24 hours.
    Therese, thanks for your site. I just stumbled upon it a couple of weeks ago and it’s really helped!

  34. You should look into brain inflammation and depression. I’m a 26 yr old mother with no history of depression just anxiety and out of no where I started experiencing a 100% complete loss of pleasure in life, cognitive decline and loss of motivation, after 1 yr on multiple antidepressants, TMS and ketamine infusions, I still was experiencing my severe depression. After much research and over 20 doctors later, I found out mold caused my depression. Mold can inflame the brain and cause depression and all kinds of negative symptoms. It is reversible but you must find a good functional doctor. I am starting my treatment. I hope those with treatment resistant depression look into brain inflammation. Im almost certain that may be your problem. Good luck, you are not alone.

  35. Early in your article Theresa you asked if anyone else felt like you, you didn’t think so. Well this is my first reply so be patient since ECT has robbed me of my vocabulary ( But still well worth it) the answer to your question is yes, everyday I keep praying that the old Jim will break free, or is it anxiety. Your not alone, none of us are alone. God bless

  36. I mentioned TRD to a medical staff person at my Dr’s office and she told me to “think happy thoughts.” Really? Like what? Dying? That’s a happy thought to me. Days later, with her words repeating themselves in my head, I had a major breakdown triggered my a woman who told me “you better take your meds!” I lost it to the point where someone called the police. Fortunately, the officer was able to calm me down in the course of an hour.
    I just turned 63 and I’ve been muddling through life over 40 years. Looking back, I believe my mom had depression. In those days, you were given Valium. It made a zombie out if her.
    Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble. I’m glad I’m not alone being depressed for so long. Sadly, I think my son it following in my footsteps. At least I’ll be able to be supportive.

  37. After 11 ECTs and approximately $40,000, my hair has began falling out. Now, 5 weeks later, there seems to be no end to the hair loss except going bald. It was bad in enough that ECT didn’t help my depression, but then to loss all my hair on top of it is unbearable. Has anyone else experienced major hair loss after completing ECT or am I special in that way?

    1. Barb, I have not undergone shock treatments, although I’ve tried everything else: TMS, Vegas Nerve surgery and the accompanying procedure, etc., and nothing has helped at all.
      I’m writing just to tell you how very sorry I am about the results that you’ve been experiencing from the treatment. It’s just so unfair…. we fight to try anything that might possibly help us– and then, not only is the depression not lessened, but the treatment causes a totally new and very difficult problem. Surely, Barb, there’s a doctor who can do something about this… it really seems like there are answers to so many medical problems, but never an answer or solution to the many that I have – although I could handle all of them without complaining at all if I could just have some relief from this constant sadness, and hopeless feelings. You’ll be in my prayers, and I hope with all my heart that your hair stops coming out soon soon soon! Very sincerely, Sharon

  38. Depression, it seems, has been in control of everything in my life for as long as I remember! I’ve noticed that no one on this blog has mentioned “disease”. Some diseases have cures and some don’t. Obviously, my belief: no cure is available on earth for
    clinical depression. So sad! So debilitating!
    My only moments of “relief” have come from God! He allows me to experience JOY, but only when I put my complete trust in Him! He’s my only HOPE ! He is the reason I am still alive!
    After years of residing in a deep, dark, slippery, slimy hole (I believe this “place” has not been mentioned in this blog. Believers note: in the Bible it is referenced… If I remember correctly… Psalm 6:1-10.) named depression, I finally grabbed onto His right hand and (important) DID NOT LET GO, was I able to escape that hell! If only that hole would seize to exist, or atleast recognize that I have already done my time, maybe, maybe, I could allow myself to accept God’s gift of PEACE!
    I’ve been robbed! JOY and PEACE ONLY VISIT me.

    Capital letters? Really?
    But this concern of yours did spark me to share a small bit of my life.
    Capital letters… Really?

    1. It was difficult to tell where the comment was coming from…. but it appeared that a writer was ‘making fun of ‘ another writer’s use of capital letters within a very serious email about how depression has destroyed her life. If that’s the case, then YOU, THE SECOND WRITER, should be totally ashamed of yourself!! YOU DO NOT BELITTLE THE FEELINGS OF ANOTHER BY TAKING SOME SMALL INSIGNIFICANT, UNIMPORTANT ASPECT OF HER WRITING, AND THEN HOLD IT UP FOR RIDICULE! (HOW DO YOU LIKE MY CAPS??) You paid no attention to the pain and hurt she’s been experiencing for so long, but went straight for the throat concerning the ‘oh so important placement of capital letters.’ AND YA KNOW WHAT? I THINK IT’S RATHER STUPID, ANYWAY, THAT MANY YEARS AGO SOME LITTLE NOBODY DECIDED THAT CAPITAL LETTERS SHOULD ALWAYS INFER SHOUTING WHEN ONE IS WRITING….. AND TO THIS DAY, WE (OR, RATHER, ‘SOME’) PEOPLE STILL FOLLOW THAT DECREE WITHOUT HESITATION. LET PEOPLE USE THEIR CAPITALS WHEREVER THEY THINK APPROPRIATE… DOES IT REALLY MATTER, OR DO SOME INDIVIDUALS HAVE TO MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT? AND ESPECIALLY AT A TIME WHEN ANOTHER WRITER IS IN PAIN AND STRUGGLING EVERY SINGLE DAY TO SURVIVE.

  39. I feel so similar to many of the other writers. I keep looking for the magic bullet, too, after trying many different medications, ECT, alternative therapies etc…. It is painful to accept that this is my condition forever, and I have to live with myself feeling this way. Smoking marijuana has helped at times. Now I am being drug tested for a job so I have stopped smoking for a period of time to clear it out of my system. I think that after I start my new job I will continue to smoke when not working in order to feel a little relief from my depression and anxiety.

    1. I SPENT NEARLY AN HOUR WRITING A HEARTFELT REPLY TO DEBBIE…
      YOU INFORMED ME THAT SOMETHING WAS MISSING FROM YOUR SILLY NAME,EMAIL, ETC. FORM, AND THAT I MUST GO BACK AND FILL IT IN.
      WELL, WHEN I WENT BACK TO DO THAT, THE ENTIRE POST WAS GONE…. GONE, TOTALLY! SO THAT HOUR, WHILE I LET DINNER GET COLD AND MY BOYFRIEND ATE WITHOUT ME, WAS A WASTE OF EVERYTHING!
      GET YOUR WEBSITE SO THAT THIS TYPE OF THING DOESN’T HAPPEN. IT WAS NOT SOMETHING I DID…. IT WAS THE WAY IT IS SET UP! AND IT’S MADDENING… ESPECIALLY TO SOMEONE WHO IS TRYING TO HELP ANOTHER, AND WHOSE ‘ENERGY’ WAS TOTALLY SPENT DOING A THANKLESS, USELESS, NOTHING HOUR- THAT HOUR TO ME, IS LIKE 5 HOURS BECAUSE OF ALL THE THINKING/PLANNING/FINDING THE VERY BEST WORD FOR EVERY THOUGHT SO WHAT I SAID WOULD GIVE THE PERSON MY EXACT MEANING/OPINION/THOUGHT/ETC. NOW I DON’T HAVE THE ENERGY, AND WHATEVER ELSE I NEED, TO EVEN TAKE A SHOWER OR EAT MY NEARLY FROZEN DINNER!

    2. Same here. Sad that I can have all the valium or oxycodone I want but medical marijuana – the horrors. Its the only relief I get.

  40. Yes, I’ve tried so many medications, all kinds of therapy, nutrition, and this depression keeps hanging on. I’m still seeing a psychiatrist who does psychoanalysis or talk therapy, but it isn’t helping. I’m quickly understanding what many of you have said that others can not relate. At church yesterday, I tried to explain the reason I did not want to go to many of their events, other than church, was this debilitating depression. They totally did not get it – every one of them had a blank stare and most pretty much just walked away as if I was making an excuse. What I’ve been doing lately is just keeping commitments to a minimum. Going to work is about all I can handle and I plot my escape from that job daily – but I know I have to go and endure the best I can. Because I need the money to continue existing.
    I’ve pretty much lost hope. Of course, suicide isn’t a good option due to my spiritual beliefs – don’t know the eternal consequence of that one.
    So I’m just dreaming of being able to afford retirement in a few years and hope that freedom from a job will help bring relief – then I can focus on one day at a time.
    Pretty much, I’m just taking it one day at a time and trying to let the feelings and thoughts just flow – accepting this is life.

  41. I’m the mom of a 17yr old girl who has been depressed for years. She’s in therapy every week and has been on more meds than I can list. She’s been in a special school and hospitalized for a suicide attempt. It’s killing me to see her like this. I feel so overwhelmed. I’ve been fighting mental illness my whole life. mine is under control but I am an emotionally dead human being. I’ve accepted this. I’m afraid she’s not going to survive. Every time she goes out and the phone rings I pray it’s not the hospital or police saying there’s been an accident. Her friends are drifting away. She’s graduating in June and say’s why make plans for the future it doesn’t matter
    I will welcome any ideas on what to try.. I feel like I’m watching my little girl slowly die
    Thank you for listening

  42. So glad I came across this website. Sometimes you ask yourself does anyone else really know how You feel and then I came across these posts and now really know. Although it scares me I am 25 and have just come out of hospitpal again after more ect treatments and now feeling more hopeless, helpless and depressed than I ever had. It saddens me further to read so many posts about others who have experienced this for so long. I have been on many medications I’ve lost count. I’ve seen many psychologist and psychiatrists, attempted suicide a couple of times ending up in icu after coma. But now I’m at a point where I really don’t know what to do. Friends don’t understand and my family well, mental illness runs in my family they have gotten better so i couldn’t bare them knowing how I feel as they are dealing with their own issues. And my father well he lost his wife and me my mum earlier this year so it pains me to tell him how I really feel as it would break his heart. Now like never before I am having these intrusive on going suicidal thoughts that are being jammed into my head every living minute of the day plus the worst depression I have ever experienced and it has never left me. When I wake i look forward to it being the next time I have to take my meds to put me out again and so it repeats. I pray and pray that it will leave me. Everyday I search the Internet for any hopeful treatments that may oneday work. In the mean time………..

  43. Hey…after a long time of ”you just don’t want to get out of it” I feel like home here. I’m 18 now and have been fighting with depressn since when I was 13 .I have a good lot of unsuccessful suicide attempts and honestly for the last 2 years I have tried my best not to do that again. But seriously if there is a way out of this depression I would be the happiest ever. I have a good brain(my psychologist and teachers say so) and I am pretty. But due to depression I am losing it both. I am not being able to do my studies well and I am having a hair loss problem and I am turning bald.I don’t find any point in living at all,but still I do want to live and live happily.please suggest me something.

    1. My only suggestion is to not give up. I have been dealing with depression all my life though unlike you in my teens and twenties I self medicated as I didn’t know how I felt had a name. Now at 57 I am currently looking for a new treatment, 18 prescribed meds over the past 35 years and plenty of therapy. Now meds aren’t helping. So I’m looking at TMS or maybe even ECT. Sucks to have to even contemplate letting them frying my brain but this is not living. Good luck to you.

  44. First, wow, this is depressing! Reading thru I may be depress now!
    I’m sorry if I offended you! But I want to break the pattern here.
    I don’t suffer from depression but I’ve been learning about TMS and other brain altering techniques to help brain illnesses.
    As I read, through all these post I’m wondering how this people, look like? Are they older, rude, alone, grumpy, or they look nice, friendly, and willing to help others…Does it really matters? It’s just my curios brain that’s trying to find solutions or look for patterns. I don’t know!
    For what it’s worth, I have learned words are powerfully and unspoken words, also refer as thoughts, are even more powerful because not only feed our soul but also engrave and replace electrical connections in our brain. What, if the connections lost are what changed.
    Happy New Year’s and watch some funny boxer dogs videos! 😀

    1. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU THAT YOU WOULD WRITE SUCH AN IGNORANT POST TO PEOPLE WHO ARE VERY SICK, BUT WHO ARE STILL TRYING TO FIND A WAY TO FEEL BETTER.. SO THAT THEIR EXISTENCE CAN ONCE AGAIN BECOME A REWARDING LIFE.

      YOU AND YOUR ‘WANTING TO LEARN’, AND YOUR DISGUSTING SENTENCE WONDERING WHAT “WE” ARE LIKE!
      WELL… EVEN DEPRESSED, I’M STILL MORE INTELLIGENT THAN YOU— HAVE MORE DEGREES THAN YOU— AND ALSO HAVE HAD A MORE SUCCESSFUL AND AWARD-WINNING CAREER THAN YOU WILL EVER HAVE!!!
      AND I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT THE OTHER DEPRESSED PEOPLE WRITING HERE HAVE ALSO BEEN SUCCESSFUL, EVEN AS THEY HAVE FOUGHT THIS ILLNESS!

      OOPS, I ALMOST FORGOT: TRY TO GROW SOME “COMMON SENSE” BEFORE YOU STICK YOUR COMMENTS INTO AREAS WHERE GOOD PEOPLE ARE BANDING TOGETHER TO TRY TO GET WELL!

      1. Maurice…
        I have tried not to respond to your post because, actually, I wanted to forget that I read it. I, at the age of 66, have dealt with treatment resistant depression for most of my life. I have a DNA full of mental illness and, and spent a childhood full of tragedy and abuse. I am not whining, to you, because I have been given the opportunity to face the reality and deal with it. I have had TMS, ECT and been through an extensive combination of medications. All of this is way more than any person should have to deal with. Just about every person who comes to this site to post, suffers from an illness that we would love to be able to wash it off– if that was possible. Do you think that people enjoy feeling like this? Not likely, but there are times that are way more painful than others. Your post here is very inconsiderate and insulting to REAL people who are hurting–some more than others. I have to say, you would have never posted such comments on a site where people were sharing their sorrow and pain because they were suffering from having to face the reality that their cancer had NOT responded to any type of treatment. You would not have suggested that they watch some ‘funny videos’ to get their minds on a more positive pattern of thinking. Do you think all of us are at the same place of pain at the same time—–WELL,NO. So you think that you could ‘break the pattern’ of people who suffer from an illness that can not be measured by biopsies, ct scans or MRI’s? Let me gently share with you, that you should try to understand ‘US’ by spending a few years in any one of our lives. Oh, and I do enjoy watching funny videos of many types of animals….and I feel pretty confident that just about all of ‘us’ do. You might want to extend a hand out, instead of waving a finger of ‘just shake it off’. I am glad that your life has given you the opportunity to have a ‘curiosity’ about people who suffer from mental illness. Oh, how righteous of you to think that you can just change the thread. If that was all it took for us to be in a good place, at all times, believe me—-you would not find anyone posting here for you to be curious about.
        Happy New Year to you, as well—–and read a few biographies about famous people who have suffered and dealt with mental illness—-there is an ebb and flow for us all. Lucky you– and hope you get the understanding you are seeking. Hint: people don’t share such personal pain to be preached to with no understanding and an attitude of superiority.
        “What do these people look like?””Are they older, rude, grumpy, or look nice and willing to help others?””Or does it even matter?””It’s just my curious brain trying to find solutions or find patterns, I don’t know.” Well, here’s a thought—-check your grammar and spelling which I have corrected—-there are errors throughout your post.
        I, too, am sorry if this offends you but just trying to give a little information about ‘these people’.

    2. Maurice…
      I have tried not to respond to your post because, actually, I wanted to forget that I read it. I, at the age of 66, have dealt with treatment resistant depression for most of my life. I have a DNA full of mental illness and, and spent a childhood full of tragedy and abuse. I am not whining, to you, because I have been given the opportunity to face the reality and deal with it. I have had TMS, ECT and been through an extensive combination of medications. All of this is way more than any person should have to deal with. Just about every person who comes to this site to post, suffers from an illness that we would love to be able to wash it off– if that was possible. Do you think that people enjoy feeling like this? Not likely, but there are times that are way more painful than others. Your post here is very inconsiderate and insulting to REAL people who are hurting–some more than others. I have to say, you would have never posted such comments on a site where people were sharing their sorrow and pain because they were suffering from having to face the reality that their cancer had NOT responded to any type of treatment. You would not have suggested that they watch some ‘funny videos’ to get their minds on a more positive pattern of thinking. Do you think all of us are at the same place of pain at the same time—–WELL,NO. So you think that you could ‘break the pattern’ of people who suffer from an illness that can not be measured by biopsies, ct scans or MRI’s? Let me gently share with you, that you should try to understand ‘US’ by spending a few years in any one of our lives. Oh, and I do enjoy watching funny videos of many types of animals….and I feel pretty confident that just about all of ‘us’ do. You might want to extend a hand out, instead of waving a finger of ‘just shake it off’. I am glad that your life has given you the opportunity to have a ‘curiosity’ about people who suffer from mental illness. Oh, how righteous of you to think that you can just change the thread. If that was all it took for us to be in a good place, at all times, believe me—-you would not find anyone posting here for you to be curious about.
      Happy New Year to you, as well—–and read a few biographies about famous people who have suffered and dealt with mental illness—-there is an ebb and flow for us all. Lucky you– and hope you get the understanding you are seeking. Hint: people don’t share such personal pain to be preached to with no understanding and an attitude of superiority.
      “What do these people look like?””Are they older, rude, grumpy, or look nice and willing to help others?””Or does it even matter?””It’s just my curious brain trying to find solutions or find patterns, I don’t know.” Well, here’s a thought—-check your grammar and spelling which I have corrected—-there are errors throughout your post.
      I, too, am sorry if this offends you but just trying to give a little information about ‘these people’.

      1. MARY,
        A GREAT RESPONSE TO ‘MAURICE’ (OR WHATEVER HIS NAME WAS). I WAS THINKING EXACTLY WHAT YOU WROTE, BUT IT WOULD HAVE TAKEN ME 2 OR 3 HOURS TO GET IT SAID AS MEANINGFULLY AS YOU DID — AND I WOULD HAVE, ALSO, BEEN TOTALLY STRESSED OUT BY THE TIME I FINISHED, BECAUSE I GET SO ANGRY WITH IGNORANT PEOPLE WHO MAKE STUPID COMMENTS WITHOUT HAVING THE SLIGHTEST IDEA OF THE TRUE SUBJECT THAT’S UNDER DISCUSSION!

        THANK YOU FOR TAKING UP YOUR TIME AND EFFORTS TO WRITE A REPLY THAT WAS TRULY PERFECT IN EACH VENUE OF RESPONSE TO ‘MAURICE’. HE ACTED LIKE AN ARROGANT LITTLE PERSON WHO SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO MAKE PERSONAL COMMENTS ON PAGES WHERE SERIOUS MEDICAL ISSUES ARE DISCUSSED BY THOSE WHO ARE TRYING SO HARD TO FIND A ‘MIRACLE CURE’, WHILE AT THE SAME TIME STRUGGLING JUST TO BE ABLE TO GET FROM ONE DAY TO THE NEXT.

        THANK YOU FOR SPEAKING UP FOR EACH OF US SO BEAUTIFULLY AND TRUTHFULLY…

        SHARON

        1. Thanks Sharon……I don’t post often but do read most of the posts and I tried not to respond to his comments because that meant that I would have to re-read it!! It was so repulsive that I finally had to say something!! I, at this particular moment, am not in the bottom of the crevice of deep hopelessness so I felt compelled to defend, all of us, who suffer with the type of depression that never seems to lift beyond the level of a sunset. This guy seemed like he was just playing a game and trying to make himself feel superior to others——like we wouldn’t just change our way of speaking to feel better—–yeah, he is really smart about mental illness. I just hope he is doing his ‘research’ on other things—-like how to put the chains back on a bicycle!! I guess this sounds too harsh and maybe we should actually feel badly that someone can be so clueless. Hope he never finds himself in our situations.

  45. I do have inflammation from insulin resistance and high lipids. I was wondering if anyone has used medical marijuana for depression/anxiety. I know that it holds a lot of promise. If anyone has used it could they comment on what type of cannabis has helped them.

  46. Hello All,

    I was supposed to see an ECT specialist this afternoon at the hospital. I have waited over a year to see this doctor. I took time off work today and made arrangements for after-school care for my child. My appointment was at 3 p.m. I sat there waiting until 4 p.m. and then one of the receptionists walked over and informed me that I would have to reschedule as something had ‘come up’ for the psychiatrist. Absolutely disgusting. I was so upset that I started to cry uncontrollably in the waiting room, with many other people there, watching. I couldn’t get it together enough to re-book, so I just basically ran out of the waiting room and to my car. I live with one foot in the grave, every day, all day….and this is the kind of ghastly and dismissive treatment that people with severe mental illness receive. I am supposed to see my regular psychiatrist on Friday after work. She often cancels on me too, so I’m not holding my breath. Feeling hopeless….

    1. I am so sad to read your story, Erica. I can only imagine your despair as you realized your appt. for ECT had to be re-scheduled AFTER you had to go to such major arrangements just to be there. I can only say— you are an unbelievable inspiration to continue to try and move forward to receive treatment all while, working and raising a family. Prayers for strength and thank you for your courage in sharing you very personal story. Love to you!!

      1. Thank you Mary for your kind words. I really appreciate it. No one around me ever seems to understand how devastating emotional pain and mental illness can be.

  47. Well. After really feeling hopeless dealing with this for almost 2 years bed ridden at the age of 30. (Even though I feel like I got through this once in 2011). Judging from the comments, I shouldn’t bother with medication, and just deal with the reality, that I will never get over this ocd/anxiety/depression curse.

    1. Hi Complexity,

      I know how you feel. I’m 37 years old and have been dealing with ocd, anxiety, and depression since I was a child. I have tried countless medications and different kinds of talk therapy, largely with no success or no meaningful relief from my symptoms. I am hoping ECT might help me. I have been at times too nervous to consider this treatment, but I don’t know what else to do. I wish you well and hope that you can enjoy a pain-free day here and there. I know what it’s like though – such days are few and far between, and the fear of the return of the crippling emotional pain is almost, or perhaps more, devastating to cope with.

  48. I am going through a very bad depression right now. Luckily I am retired so I don’t have to go to work because when deeply depressed I tend to ‘self-isolate.’ I only feel safe being in bed, not answering the phone nor answering the door. The sound of my phone or doorbell actually stuns me like an electric shock. I suppose I am agoraphobic because the thought of leaving the house is way too much for me. I would rather go without than venture to a grocery store. Luckily my beautiful 21-year-old daughter lives with me and does some cleaning and laundry, As for food we live in a big city and order in. It’s not cheap but we order healthy food and it works for now. I suppose I should be so grateful not to be this way and alone or having to work which I can’t imagine in my current state. But having my daughter see me this way only adds to my depression as I so wish I could cook and clean for her but she loves me nonetheless, thank god.

  49. I’ve suffered from chronic depression as long as I can remember. I thought I was just always tired. My mom took me to doctor after doctor after doctor and they all said ‘It sounds like depression’ I kept saying I wasn’t sad so I refused to believe it was depression. As a child, at family holidays/gatherings, I would just find a bedroom and sleep. In my 30’s I started suffering from extreme panic attacks manifesting in my face blushing blood red. I tried biofeedback, acupuncture, reading books on topic and finally medication. Again, I was told I had depression. On the medication I went from sleeping 18 plus hours a day to being able to stay awake 8 -9 hours. Being so tired is such a guilty feeling. It’s embarrassing and causes me to shut people out and make excuses for not being able to attend things I might otherwise try to do. I’m basically agoraphobic and fortunate that I can work from home. I’ve been seeing doctors for my depression for 27 years now. Basically, I’m just able to be awake a little longer now but still depressed, hopeless after taking pretty much any depression medication you can name. The medication at best keeps me from being suicidal. I told my doctor sometimes I envy the people in the depression commercials because at least they have the motivation to go to sit on a park bench and get out of the house. I can’t believe with how many people suffer for years in pain that insurance doesn’t cover some of the other possible approaches like emdr, etc. I’m always looking for studies where I can volunteer a brain scan or volunteer for some of these other non traditional approaches. I’d just like the possibility of finding any type of relief. If anyone is aware of such studies for long term sufferers in CA, please post.

  50. I have been in and out of therapy twice and have been on at least 5 different medications. each and every one of them made me gain weight and lowered my sex drive with little mood improvement. the therapy was a joke, it helped a little but not a lot considering its very short term and any long term therapy is crazy expensive. The first therapist i got was a medical intern, i saw her for 5 months. the second one i got was from a CLSC, the therapy was supposed to last 3 months but it stopped after a month and a half because SHE went on sick leave and still is to this day (i got a call from her 8 months back asking if i was interested in coming back to therapy when she gets off her sick leave. i said yes and never heard back since). I’ve been depressed since i was 12, maybe even longer.
    I know its not going to get any better for me and that trial and error is not for me at all. No one takes this seriously and “free” therapy is a joke! I want to have children in 3-5 years from now, but im worried about the possible side effects of untreated depression on the fetus. Also i refuse to take meds as i don’t want to gain any more weight or risk harming my child with all the chemicals found inside these drugs. studies show that over 50% of the drug can be found in cord blood. No thanks! I have no idea what to do, should i kill myself? should i just not have children even though i’ve always wanted one?

    1. I cannot take my life any more. I cannot even cry. No appetite. No joy. I just exist. I am on Zoloft and remeron but no help. I had ECT years ago and it helped. 2 months ago I had 5 ECTs but only helped a little. Maybe I should have got more. They want me to get 12 more. I am 51 and on disability for this illness. I just feel like dying. God bless all who suffer like this. I am lost.

      1. Joe…..do you have anyone that you talk with——family, a friend or a therapist? I know the feelings of wanting to leave this world because you just can’t see a way to endure. I actually experienced what I refer to as a brain shut-down about 10 years ago, during my worst period. I had a psychotic episode, brought on by a course of steroid medication which began my year long time of trying to return to this world…..mentally. I could not drive, anymore, because I couldn’t process mentally and so, obviously, had to go on disability. I had to have a round of ECT treatments that helped but it was a year of horror. To say that I am ok is sort of a stretch—-but, at 66 I, too, just get sick and tired of the battle. I would like to send you encouragement to consider making it from morning to night, as an accomplishment—-I did that for a period of time. I remember, assigning myself a challenge of pulling every weed in my drive-way. I know that every person that lived in my neighborhood rode by and wondered what in the world was with me but, I just had to find my brain through some type of simple mindless task! It was very therapeutic for me. I hope and pray that you can receive the truth that you have something to give to others no matter how lost you may feel now. Please know that you are prayed for!

  51. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for over 30 years now have been on different meds they work for a while but then I think I get amuied to then after awhile. I’m tired of taking all this pills and I don’t won’t to feel this way anymore. My husband doesn’t understand it and it’s causing problems. I have no one to talk to anymore my mom passed away and I talk to my befriend but it’s not the same. I don’t no what to do anymore. I can’t talk to my Sister’s because they won’t understand. My life sucks. I put on a good front though. My husband is a very sweet person but her gets upset real easy at me lately I feel I can’t do anything right or say anything I just feel like I’m drowning

  52. I can’t take anymore I hate my life. All I do anymore is cry when I’m home. I put on a good front. My husband doesn’t understand. I wish I could have the courage to end this .

    1. This is a reply to an old message from Kady, if she is still following this website.

      Kady, you wrote a few posts back in December of last year about trying to reach me, but said you were unable. I’m so sorry because I just now saw those posts. I was looking back through the older messages just now, and saw them… so please accept my apology for not trying to figure out your problem with writing to me.
      I pray you’re doing better now… I’m about the same, but have a good friend (finally) who is actually trying to help me…. I feel that he understands when I explain to him what THIS TYPE of depression does to us. And I think we all know how much easier it would be for us… and how much better our hearts would feel… if we thought our family or friends cared enough to make a real, unselfish effort to actually UNDERSTAND.. OR AT LEAST BE TRULY EMPATHETIC TOWARD US… WHEN WE DESPERATELY TRY TO CLEARLY EXPLAIN TO THEM WHAT THIS ILLNESS DOES TO US.

      MUST HURRY…. HAVE DOCTOR’S APPT.

      My prayers and thoughts are with you, Kady.

      .

  53. I have been going to the Dr. And changing my meds for depression and anxiety but every time I start to cry or I get upset my husband says that maybe I need to get stronger meds he doesn’t understand or seem to care it hurts when he starts calling me names and then he tells me that all I want is attention. I was sexually abused when I was younger and I was afraid to say anything because he told me that I would be the one in trouble. I had panic attacks and I was depressed but I didn’t know what it was I just felt like I wasn’t worth anything then I ment my husband and at first he made me feel like I was worth a million bucks but now he calls me names, tells me that I’m fat and ugly, I stupid, and he makes me feel like I can’t do anything without him telling me how to do it. I have told him the I don’t like it but it just gets worse and when I try to leave he stops me. I’m trying to hang on but I don’t know how much more I can take. I have tried to take my life several times before but he found me and took me to the hospital. So I know I can’t do anything here but he never leaves me alone for long. I just want to quit hurting and crying all the time. I love all my family sister’s and brother’s but I can’t tell them what is going on. They won’t understand.

    1. EVEN THOUGH YOU THINK YOUR SIBLINGS WON’T UNDERSTAND, DO YOU THINK IT MIGHT BE WORTH ONE MORE TRY TO ATTEMPT TO GET THEM TO UNDERSTAND? THIS ISN’T MUCH OF A SUGGESTION, I KNOW, BUT I WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND THAT I CARE.
      AND WHO KNOWS? MAYBE AT SOMETIME ONE OF OUR FAMILY MEMBER WILL ACTUALLY OPEN THEIR HEART ENOUGH TO REALLY TRY TO UNDERSTAND.

      MAY THE LORD GIVE YOU THE HELP YOU NEED THE MOST AT THIS TIME.

  54. Is there research being done for anhedonia? This is the kind of depression I think I have. I think my dad had it too. Most of my family is gone so I can’t research it. I’ve been depressed since childhood. I remember trying to explain my sadness and disappointment with life to my mom at 7 and have been seeing therapists since I was 10. Started taking medicine at 12 and have tried many kinds over the passed 25+ years. Recently finished 36 TMS treatments in March and do not feel better. It was expensive too so that makes me feel worse. TMS probably works for chemical-imbalance depression.
    I once saw a psychologist for an ink blot test. Yes, that’s very old fashioned and probably not accurate. Anyway, she said “Your depression is not chemical related. You are stubborn and a perfectionist.” Already knew about the stubborn and perfectionist part. Didn’t need to pay for that obvious diagnoses.
    So, right now I’m only on anti-anxiety medicine. Don’t know if trying another anti-depressant is worth the money.
    I’m not going the ECT route. My memory is bad enough and I already have migraine headaches. Why add more pain when the results won’t be any different. If y’all try ECT, good luck! I genuinely wish you the best and wish all people here suffering, peace.
    I wish God would cure us.

  55. I cannot take my life any more. I cannot even cry. No appetite. No joy. I just exist. I am on Zoloft and remeron but no help. I had ECT years ago and it helped. 2 months ago I had 5 ECTs but only helped a little. Maybe I should have got more. They want me to get 12 more. I am 51 and on disability for this illness. I just feel like dying. God bless all who suffer like this. I am lost.

  56. Thank you Sharon for all your posts. I am in the midst of severe depression and may get ECT again. I am so scared of being like this. I feel so empty. I cannot cry. I am worried that ECT will not work and then where will I be. I do not want to get out of bed. I feel that the only pleasure I get is from my dreams when I am asleep. My appetite is poor. I keep asking God to either cure me or take me.

  57. If the Abilify that I start tomorrow does not help my depression I am considering ECT again. I felt better 10 years ago from it. 2 months ago I had only 5 then quit, thinking the meds would help. I was told that each time you get a series it takes longer to get relief. Does anyone have any input on Abilify with Zoloft or on ECT? Thanks

  58. Someone I know has TRD, and is very agitated. He has been recommended to take neuroleptics but refuses. From research, agitated depression is sometimes recognized as soft bipolar. I’m curious as to whether people being told they have treatment resistant depression who are agitated would feel better taking Lithium, Depakote, Risperdal.

    1. NO, I’VE TAKEN LITHIUM AND IT DID NOT HELP AT ALL WITH TRD. HOWEVER, I DID NOT HAVE THE TYPE OF AGITATION, EVIDENTLY, THAT THIS INDIVIDUAL HAS.

  59. Just adding my support to all who have posted here. I had a severely abusive childhood and have lost a lot of memories to this mental monster that screams (not literally) your no good! Eat more junk food, then spins into what’s wrong with me? My life now is as good as its ever been! What do you have to be depressed about? Its a merry go-round of self don’t and self blame! It seems antidepressants assist with various types of symptoms. Prozac seems to make your life seem OK no matter how much you think it sucks. Wellbutrin makes me stop apologizing to everyone for my “faults”. I am covered in scars and open sores from picking my skin since I was 2&1\2. Just another thing to remind me that I’m a freak or something normal people shouldn’t have to come in contact with. I really hate to go to the doctor because of when its necessary to put on a patient gown. Its like having a demon living inside me! I believe in God, but I don’t want to have to wait to be in heaven to be OK. May your higher power bless you! Thank God, we are not alone………even though we usually feel like it!

  60. THE ABOVE IS NOT MY COMMENT…

    I WROTE A LONG, DETAILED RESPONSE THAT I WAS HOPING WOULD, AND COULD, BE OF BENEFIT TO SOME OF YOU…. OR AT LEAST LET YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING TO ALL OF US. MY COMPUTER JUST DID A ****POOF…. AND EVERY SINGLE WORD DISAPPEARED (35 MINUTES OF WRITING), AND NOTHING LEFT EXCEPT THE Z’S THAT USED PROPERLY, WILL SOMETIMES ALLOW YOUR WRITING TO REAPPEAR. PROBABLY NO LOSS, EXCEPT I REALLY WAS TRYING TO MAKE EVERYONE FEEL BETTER.

  61. Oh Sharon—–I have done that so many times—-typed, thought, typed, thought and tried to use just the right words for encouragement—-taking so long—and THEN—somehow, you delete it all!!!!! I soooooo understand and then you are just too tired to even start thinking about doing it all over again. WELL—–take it from me—-appreciated because you cared and then,not only cared, but after it disappearing you wrote back to let us all know that you cared enough to write back again, despite your discouragement and, for me—–it was irritating!!
    A big thanks and thanks for understanding even if the perfect words didn’t get here!!
    Blessings to you and your caring heart!!

  62. Mary, the way you explained how you feel when the “disappearing email demon” takes off with what you’ve written, was perfect! EXACTLY how I feel! It was as though I had written YOUR words, and didn’t need to change even a punctuation mark! Thank you for letting me know that someone truly understands how totally draining it is to spend that much time trying to convey thoughts, using the “best possible word for the best possible understanding,” throughout the entire writing.

  63. I just have so ‘been there, my friend!! The other day, I was trying to re-connect with a friend, of long ago—-I wrote her this ‘long’ text telling her all about my family—-sons and their wives, grandchildren and many more subjects!!! It was long!! Then, I got a text from my daughter-in-law asking me what I was talking about——The entire text was sent to my daughter-in-law and not my old friend!!! That was last week and I haven’t had the energy, in me, to write to my friend, again. #hatedit

  64. MARY, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT… I HAD FINISHED MY REPLY TO YOU, BUT WAS CHANGING A WORD BEFORE SENDING IT. AFTER CORRECTING, THE DARN COMPUTER JUST SEEMED FROZEN. I COULDN’T GET ANYTHING TO EVEN MOVE, SO I LEFT IT FOR A WHILE AND THOUGHT IT MIGHT ‘RIGHT ITSELF.’
    WHEN I CAME BACK IT WAS EXACTLY THE SAME. THAT DARN LITTLE ARROW DIDN’T ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING FOR ME, REGARDLESS OF WHERE I CLICKED… NOR DID IT EVEN CHANGE INTO IT’S LITTLE ‘READY’ FORM TO INDICATE IT WAS READY TO DO AS I ASKED. lol. (SORRY, I’M NOT TOTALLY COMPUTER ILLITERATE, BUT I DON’T SAY OR USE COMPUTER TERMS/WORDS ENOUGH, SINCE I’M NOT WORKING, TO REMEMBER THEM… SO DON’T RECALL MANY OF THE TERMS, INCLUDING WHAT IT’S CALLED WHEN THE ARROW SHOWS YOU IT’S READY FOR YOU TO CLICK AWAY.)

    TO FINISHED UP MY (UN)INTERESTING TALE… I RESTARTED THIS HORRIBLE INVENTION TO EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED TO MY REPLY. HOWEVER, IT SOUNDS SO BAZAAR (SP.??)THAT I PROBABLY SHOULD JUST KEEP IT TO MYSELF.
    SERIOUSLY….. I DON’T KNOW WHETHER IT’S ME, OR ‘THE WORLD’…. BUT IT JUST SEEMS LIKE EVERYTHING BECOMES A PROBLEM OR DIFFICULTY.

    DON’T BOTHER TO ANSWER THIS BECAUSE THERE REALLY ISN’T ANYTHING TO BE ANSWERED…. AND I DON’T WANT YOU TO HAVE TO USE YOUR TIME FOR “NOTHING.”
    I’LL WRITE AGAIN AFTER I GO COMPUTER SHOPPING.

    I HOPE THAT TOMORROW IS, FOR YOU, ONE OF THE BEST WEDNESDAYS YOU’VE HAD IN YEARS!
    BYE FOR NOW (pardon the caps… but when I have a lot on my mind and writing fairly fast, I make fewer errors by using them.)

  65. Needless to say, I’m not a doctor, but your symptoms definitely sound like something else along with the depression.
    Yes, this type of depression leaves a person tired, without energy, and without the ability to enjoy what he enjoyed prior to the depression taking such a strong hold. We also don’t have the desire to do much, since nothing is enjoyable anymore…. and we don’t want to be with people, because it’s such an effort to try to be “good company.”
    However, sleeping constantly doesn’t sound like the same thing to me. Sleeping quite a bit, perhaps…. but not like you were describing.

    Also, severe treatment resistant major depression doesn’t necessarily come along with panic attacks or other “attacks.” Nor would the depression be the Cause for these types of attacks. AT LEAST NOT FOR ME NOR FOR THE PEOPLE I’VE KNOWN WHOSE ILLNESS WAS IN GREAT PART LIKE MY OWN. I’m sure some people here have had ‘attacks’, but I’m trying to put it in a context of “happening often and happening to many of the people.”

    I’ve had, unfortunately, 40 years of experience with this type of depression.

    I hope I’ve given you a bit of insight from my perspective….. and I certainly hope I didn’t say anything that would upset you. It’s merely my opinion, but I felt I needed to mention this because I believe you should also continue to seek help for whatever types of attacks may be happening with you- – – I don’t think that an antidepressant, or any type of ‘depression only’ concentration, would be the optimum for getting your panic attacks, etc. to stop, or “be cured.”

    I wish you the very best of luck…… you sound like a very brave individual….. and I hope you win this battle!

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