Like most of my theories, I have tested this one on my 13-year-old son, because his brain is most like mine in our family (poor guy). After he has consumed three pumpkin muffins, his character completely changes, like the Green Goblin (Norman Osborn) in Spider-Man. Depending on the amount of fructose corn syrup in the muffins, his head sometimes spins around like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, and his pupils can do a 360 in the eye sockets. He is horribly obnoxious for about three hours—twerking at the refrigerator, riding his lacrosse stick like a horse through the living room–and then he starts sobbing: “I hate my life!! Someone please shoot me!” Often the next morning he will wake up hung over, with purple circles under his swollen eyes.
You would think that two somewhat intelligent parents would have picked up on this connection between his behavior and his diet in the first decade of his life, but it has only been in the last year we’ve been documenting the experiment. It’s harder than you think to get your kid excited about vegetables and steer him away from any kind of food offered in a vending machine. Whenever we try to encourage positive eating habits, something seems to go terribly wrong. Like the time we thought we’d have a fun family outing at Potbellies.
Eric: “David, do you think you could get a salad?”
Katherine (11-years-old): “I’m getting a sub!”
David (crying): “It’s not fair! I hate my brain!”
Eric: “Well, Katherine didn’t get the skinny gene.”
Katherine (crying): “You think I’m fat!”
Eric: “Let’s just go home.